Relationships – Salty Melons

Know Your Worth

March 13, 2018Dating LessonsLeave a Comment

Desperation is something most people aren’t aware of when displaying it. Be cautious how you treat your person of interest. Here’s my story of how a guy who went from fun to annoying real quick.

Last year I went to a Christmas party with an old friend who’s also a fwb. We kinda agreed to go to this party together but mind you, this guy has a gf. He said he told her he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore but they live together for convenience. As I stood by a corner drinking my drink and talking to my fwb, I look over and this very handsome man with threads is smiling at me huge and waves hello. I look at my date and ask if he knows him, thinking he was saying hello to him. Before I know it, this guy has me twirling on the dance floor making my night way more fun! He tells me that he asked my friend if I had a bf and he said no, not that he knew. He also said he had a gf. Still not sure if that part is true. Either way my fwb definitely didn’t stand up for himself and say “Back up dude, she’s with me”, or something along those lines. Wouldn’t you want to protect or keep things clear if someone is trying to steal your date?

Anyways, Mr. Dreads and I take a break from dancing and sit on a nearby sofa. We chat for awhile. I then get up to go to the bathroom and see my FWB guy grabbing his coat and getting ready to leave. I loudly say “What are you doing? NO, don’t leave”, he tells me he thought I had already left. I tell him ” I’m going to the bathroom, don’t leave!” and sure enough when I came back out he was gone.

At this point I’m pretty tipsy. My new date is not. He doesn’t really drink heavy. We go back to his place (which I was thankful for because I was in no condition to drive home) which was very very close. The more time I spend with him, the more I think this guy is so wonderful. Next morning, I wake up thinking OMG this guy has HUGE threads! Definitely someone out not my type. I discover he’s a stock broker, who bought an investment house, rents out the first floor and lives on the second floor. So he was smart with money and seemed ambitious. He was also a DJ. His decor of his house wasn’t bad and he had lots of love for his cats. I literally thought, wow, I finally met someone decent and worth my time. Before I walk out the door this guy tells me he’s ready for a girlfriend and I’m like “Oh, really?” and he immediately says “Yeah but not with you”, I must of had the face of WTF. WTF

Then he tells me he’s looking for a Jewish girlfriend and I reply with “cool”. Well after that day, this guy has tried constantly to hangout again. I went out with him twice after our first night and then I was done. He tried to convince me to play with his circumcision scar because if caused him extra sensation (I was so grossed out and said nooo). His hair also smelled like dirty laundry. When he was at my house he tried on my robe because it looked cozy. Well he left my robe smelling like BO even though he had showered. I was so over this guy. On top of that he thought he was super smart when in fact he wasn’t as knowledgeable as he thought. He was four years younger than me but still. Even though there was all these weird things, I still appreciated that he allowed himself to be vulnerable by showing he wanted affection and intimacy. What ended his streak and hit him blindsided was that he didn’t see what I saw and that was the fact that he was feeling lonely and bored. His constant attempts of hanging out even after I declined nicely, showed this wasn’t about me. This wasn’t that he missed me, or that he wanted to see me. This was strictly him reaching out to fulfill his emptiness; he was bored and didn’t feel like having to meet a new girl to talk to. He thought I was easy and fun. After I got tired of saying no, I finally said a FINAL no and explained a little on how I was feeling. He finally understood once I told him I didn’t want to be a choice out of boredom but a real choice. I could have looked passed all the bad qualities but I value myself more than to spend it with someone who doesn’t value me for me.

LEARN TO VALUE YOUR TIME!

If my date isn’t providing me with entertainment, passion or laughter then he’s not worthy of my time. This might sound selfish but in reality we have to do the things that make us HAPPY! Life is too short to go on shitty dates, Life is too busy to waste it on people that are negative, or bland. Life is about taking chances, but also choosing wisely! Dating isn’t easy but one way to start conquering it, is by making YOU HAPPY first!! Don’t forget that!

TIPS FOR MEN AND WOMEN ON HOW NOT TO LOOK DESPERATE:

Don’t over call, don’t over text, don’t do it!!!
If he or she says no the first time you invite them somewhere, wait for them to try to make plans with you instead
If you ask a second time, don’t ask a third, wait for them to make the plans with you. If they truly want to see you, they will put the effort in making that happen. Don’t waste your time chasing who doesn’t want to be chased.
If speak on the phone and end on a good note, don’t call back a few hours later when you are free. Allow the other person to have their space, and miss you. Don’t get them tired of you before they even get to know you. A little conversation here, allows for longer conversations later.
Don’t tell your lady/guy that you are bored. No one wants to be with someone who isn’t motivated to do anything on their own. At this age in day, no one should be bored.
Don’t make the other person feel like they are your only choice, your last choice, or a choice out of boredome
Appear to be busier than you really are. It’s nice to not know all your shit or at least try guessing what you are up to. Leave your shit to the imagination. This creates lust for one another. I don’t need a diary page of what you did today. No one gives a shit.
Have deeper conversations and if you can’t have an intellectual conversation to keep him or her interested than make sure you are making them laugh or making them feel relaxed and at ease.
Offer a massage, foot rub, or something thoughtful. We gravitate towards people who show empathy.
Don’t text her/him as soon as you wake up and don’t text good night. Unless you are in a serious committed relationship, DON’T TEXT those type of messages. Shows you have nothing better to do. Always appear busy. We like people who are striving to be better at life, and bettering themselves.
Don’t send a bunch of selfies and your dick. We get that you like your muscles and your dick.

Being Single Is A Choice

October 24, 2017Dating Lessons, Empowering WomenLeave a Comment

ALONE AND HAPPY IN TODAY’S AGE

What does it mean to be alone aka single and happy in the 21st century? Well let me paint you a picture. It means you get to come home to no expectations, to no demands, to no plans, to be welcomed by your dogs who adore you from head to toe, who love you unconditionally, who don’t judge you, who listen, who keeps you warm inside and out, who make you feel safe, who give you a push when you need it and are always happy to be with you. I think the moment we learn to love ourselves more than anyone else we can learn to enjoy life as our OWN, and not as someone else’s. Cheers to being ALONE AND HAPPY!

As a human, a female human, I realize women suck. That’s right, I said it! Men are pretty simple. They want sex, food, and sleep. Women, we want it to look like A, taste like B, and feel like C. We go from one extreme to the other. One minute we want a man who’s going to make it worth it in the bedroom, the next we want a husband figure who’s going to keep us interested past the sex and help you with housework (you can blame mother nature and our hormones for that).

This past week I feel like I got a first row ticket to my own drama that lacked the bloody ending but kept me in the shadow from knowing why I was acting the way I was. I went from having one of the best sex in my life with someone who I would see every three days to not caring at all about sex, nor about anyone else except myself. Our every three day schedule disappeared this past week. We saw each other Sunday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The only alone days I had was Monday and Thursday. I didn’t get to do anything on my To Do list, and I had missed the gym several times, not to mention missed on the opportunity to write on the blog. I didn’t know it until today (the following week) that I was feeling suffocated. This man who I’m seeing is the nicest guy! So sweet, so understanding, open minded, supportive, and easy going. One of my favorite things about him or us, is that we just laugh so much at the stupidest things. We don’t have much in common but we are constantly laughing and enjoying the present. He told me this Sunday that he felt I was distant for a few days now. I think I felt it too but didn’t know I was doing such thing, nor that it had a face. When asked what was going on, I got a flashback to the feelings I felt towards the last Fuckboy in my life (someone who I had shared my space with and saw more regularly). I felt like even though he was a fuckboy, he made me feel free in my own home and our time together felt right.

Here I was comparing cuddling watching a series with my new boo to sitting next to a Fuckboy who read his book, while I read mine. Why was I happier with this Fuckboy who didn’t and doesn’t deserve me? How could something much colder and distant feel more right? The reality is that I’ve discovered that I’m happier alone. I’m happier doing me. I love reading, I never have enough time to read, and by him reading, it gave me the chance to also read. Sounds like a bad excuse but in my eyes it’s a shared valuable time. I don’t need to be held all night to feel special. I get that from my dogs. I get all the kisses and cuddles from them, why do I need it from a human? Some people really do but I think I’m more of a giver than a receiver. I rather give affection, then receive it in physical touch. This is how self-love looks like being alone and happy.

When you realize you prefer to be alone, to work on yourself rather than play boyfriend and girlfriend is the moment you know you need to focus more on yourself to reach satisfaction and goals. In this time of age, do we even have time to be lonely and feel lonely? From having house chores, social media, memes, texting, reddit, blogging, tv series, podcast, hobbies, social invites, gym, cooking, pets, etc….how in the world do we find time to even date working 40 hours a week and working on yourself? The thick cloud filled with baby making thoughts and family plans that hovers over most people doesn’t float over me. Perhaps that’s the difference between you and me. You have this expectation that it should be like this or look like this by this certain time and date but I don’t. Therefore the equation is completed by x= me, making me feel happy being single! Stop having expectations and you too will find being alone and happy a possible thing!

HERE’S A GREAT VIDEO ON TIPS HOW TO FEEL HAPPY BEING ALONE AND LOVING YOURSELF! SO IMPORTANT! How To Be Single and Happy by Isabel Palacios

Dealing with hurtful words and stopping him

October 18, 2017Empowering WomenLeave a Comment

ATTENTION LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t let a man hurt you! You are worth more! I know it seems impossible because when we care for a man, we value him, therefore you give value to their words. Well you need to learn to STOP giving value to harsh hurtful words that come out of anger and a bad temper! Men and women say mean things when we are angry and most of the time we don’t mean it.

Most men use it as a tool to defend themselves and put themselves on top when they feel like they are losing a battle. It’s in men’s genes to fight, therefore they will try to hurt you on purpose to make themselves feel better. Don’t ever let a man get to you. Wipe those tears! I’ve been there plenty of times myself and I’ve realized that all they do is fist fight you with words since they can’t physical hurt you. If you find yourself being attacked with hateful words, turn around and YELL “FUCK YOU!” and walk away and give them the silent treatment! Everyone needs time to cool off. Don’t keep trying to defend yourself, it’s not worth it. Don’t try to attack them with their own medicine, it’s NOT WORTH IT! It’s literally a waste of time. No one solves anything when both of you are heated. The best thing is to cut him in his anger train by stepping out of the situation calm and quickly.

Don’t let his words hurt you, because you know you are worth more! His words are WORTHLESS, you are strong, beautiful, smart, and worth so much more! Don’t let him DISRESPECT YOU! YOU ARE A QUEEN! DON’T FORGET YOU DESERVE BETTER! As a result you will force himself to re-examine himself and his state by you removing yourself from that unhealthy and unloving situation, and you will stop that negativity to be showered over you. Which is the most important thing. The less you heard of his hurtful words the better you will be in the long run! Put yourself first!

Bye Felicia!

October 18, 2017Dating Lessons, Online datingLeave a Comment

Bye Felicia! It was nice knowing you!

The benefits of being older are much greater than one expects them to be. Wisdom is something that you gain through your intuition and your experiences. I think I finally felt wisdom in my own shoes. A few months ago, I used to think I was weak and always was attracted to the bad boy type or the narcissistic asshole. I thought I had issues and that my past controlled my taste in men. I saw bad qualities in men as normal since that’s what I was used to. In other words, I could look past the bad qualities and focus on the good qualities, like their good looks and muscles, maybe their love for dogs, ambition, or confidence.

A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date with someone from Bumble. To my surprise, he was so handsome, tall, with dark features, hazel eyes, and looked like a thicker version of James Dean.

When I say thick I don’t mean fat, just bulkier. Anyways, he was a gentleman, told me if I didn’t mind he was raised to always pay for a lady, which I was impressed to hear since those type of men are disappearing from the dating scenes. We sat at the bar at an Asian inspired restaurant. We drank sake and had one appetizer. To our surprise, the restaurant didn’t serve sushi, which was the main reason we chose the location, so we found ourselves going next door for sushi. I chose a sake and thought he would share mine, instead he asked the waitress which beverage had the least alcohol. I raised my eyebrows to this. I immediately saw red flags go up. We had barely drank at the place before and here he was trying to cut back. I asked what he was concerned about and he mentioned that he did not want to go crazy drinking and he also had to drive. For some reason, I didn’t feel his answer was sincere. I could see a lot of tension that he carried on his shoulders and forehead. I could feel like there was something he was holding back, perhaps a lot, he seemed like he was about to explode with emotions. I mentioned to him what I felt from his body composure and he immediately was taken back and told me that I figured him pretty damn well and he couldn’t understand how I could tell so much. He became very emotional, didn’t cry but I felt he was close. He opened up and told me that he had a lot of bad qualities which he shared in detail and he was still trying to get over a breakup.

Anyways, later that evening he went outside for a cigarette break, while he was gone I checked my phone and received a nasty unexpected email from my ex-husband (since he had been blocked). There was no real reason why he contacted me but to be hurtful and wished my family and friends all the worst from a present hurricane. He mentioned a bunch of other nasty things that I will not waste time expanding on. It was obvious he was bored and hating his own life because he wrote me from someone else’s email address so he could go past my email blocker. I became immediately emotional, started crying; not because he hurt me but because I felt desperate. Here I was trying to move on with my life, erase him from my life and he still was able to affect me. Well quickly after, my date returned to our table and found me sad, so of course I had to open up and share what had just occurred. He immediately came over to my side of the booth and put his arms around me where I sobbed a little and we shared a strong emotional connection.

At last I thought I had found a good looking man who was a gentleman and didn’t send me dick pics and actually wanted to spend quality time together (instead of getting drunk and getting crazy). Then as we were leaving, he kissed me and then invited me back to his place. To my surprise, he stopped at a liquor store where he got whatever I wanted and of course I chose tequila, my new go-to drink. We definitely got drunk, danced a little and sat down and had a deep conversation thanks to me. He told me a lot of things that perhaps he wouldn’t have if I didn’t self-analyze him and confront him with my thoughts. Bottom line: I discovered that he had a lot of issues. He was a chronic smoker, smoked weed a lot, and drank frequently. His home was pretty clean, plain, but homey. His kitchen was spotless and outdated but very clean (aka- obviously he didn’t cook). He also mentioned that he tries not to be a narcissist and that once someone breaks his heart, it’s over and they are dead to him (he might have said this in other words). I immediately felt warned. The house he lived in was small and identical to my ex-boyfriend and I’s from when I was 18. I literally felt I had turned back time and I was sitting home with a man with depression and addictions – someone who obviously didn’t love himself and was disappointed with himself deep inside.

We fell asleep and I went home the next morning. During the car ride, I couldn’t help but feel scared. Scared of myself, my past returning and feeling drawn to this type of man who obviously needs help. I was scared that I was starting to really like him even though I knew he was an emotional wreck.

Now it was Saturday and I was hungover and didn’t want to do anything but relax. I was bored and so I texted him if he wanted to come visit me since he had mentioned he really wanted to meet my dogs. Well, what I thought was going to be a few hours turned out to be a sleepover (NOT MY IDEA!). We sat all afternoon in the hammock. I tried to sleep but he just kept getting up non-stop to smoke. I was disgusted. At this point, I was annoyed and I knew there was no way I could be with him. His addiction was too much to handle (he literally would get up and smoke every 15 minutes), but the more I sat with him I felt more and more comfortable with him. I think I began getting used to him and his bad habits. He also drank beer after beer. Meanwhile, I had none and all I cared to do was sleep and recover. Then it got late, so he went outside to his car and came inside with a plastic grocery bag with things inside. He said, “I planned on sleeping over so I came prepared. Hope that’s ok.” I was so shocked and thought it was so rude of him to invite himself to sleepover so quickly. This is where another red flag popped up big. What man throws himself so quickly after meeting someone and when it’s not about sex? Wanting to spend quality time with someone comes with time. The more you get to know someone, the more you are able to expand your time with them, but to want to spend all day and night with someone so quickly is a HUGE NO NO! But because I’m a nice person and felt bad, I said sure you can – missing out on a friends jacuzzi party.

By this point, I was not impressed by this man sitting in my bed, who was obviously really liking me and wanting to have something special and serious. We went on another date the following week. It took a lot of push for me to go but because we were going to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I couldn’t cancel. Plus I really wanted to give him the chance since it looked like he was willing to put the time and effort in having something serious. But seriously! What was I thinking? He was closed minded, didn’t work out, a heavy smoker, had a beer belly in the making, and watched sports and tv on his spare time, ANNNND….also showed signs of being a narcissist. He was absolutely everything I didn’t want in a man!! But why had I put myself through two weeks of talking to him and accepting going on a second date? Well, I did and I enjoyed myself on our date. The food was great, the drinks were great, and he looked at me like I was gold. I felt happy. Here’s my advice don’t let the fools gold fool you! RUN FOR THE HILLS THE SECOND YOUR HEART AND MIND TELL YOU THIS ISN’T RIGHT!

We went back to his place, where I learned that a man who smokes and doesn’t work out will never provide good sex. If you have crappy lungs, how can you breathe properly and have stamina? YOU CAN’T! But not only did he suck at performing, his spirit wasn’t there. I was so bored but glad it didn’t last very long. We then shared some quiet time talking and I somehow felt so drawn to him. Well, what I felt was nostalgia. I didn’t know until a few days later. I was thinking at the time, “Maybe I’m being too judgmental and he might be someone who can make me happy in the long run.” Still wondering WTF I was thinking. Well, I mentioned to him that I was planning to continue seeing other people until I thought what we had was going to be something serious. He mentioned something I don’t recall and I felt bad so I decided to invite him to my house for another night and said he could sleep over. It was obvious he wanted to spend time with me, and it had been a long time since anyone wanted to spend alone time with me in a non-sexual way. Well, he came over and I began to realize I really didn’t have feelings for this man. I was so bored with his presence and I knew we were a terrible match.

The following day I reached out letting him know he had forgotten his charger, etc. I will not continue with the rest of the details of the conversation but bottom line, he exploded on me with an attitude and refused to open up as what friends do. At the same time, I was putting away dishes from dinner. The dishes he had helped wash. Well those damn dishes were freaken dirty af! I immediately told him, that I was done talking to him and we were a bad match. The following day he tried apologizing and blah, blah, blah…The old me from 10 years ago would have accepted his apology and tried to work things out.

I realized then that I had succeeded! I had finally broken the chain of narcissistic boyfriends who were judgmental and had evil souls. I told him sorry I was not interested anymore but he fought back via text. He insisted he wouldn’t give up that easily and that we had something special. Blah, blah, blah…..I told him we were not a good match again and that he had a lot of qualities I did not admire. I said Good night and I was on a date. He responded with something mean and tried to hurt me. So I blocked him.

Moral of the story is that if I hadn’t gone through all those bad experiences with my ex’s, I wouldn’t have the bad feeling “intuition” when I saw those red flags. I would have tried to look past those bad habits and tried to make it work just because he thought I was special. I have learned to care more about how special and valuable I feel rather than how someone else feels about me!

EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A LESSON EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE GOING THRU HELL AT THE MOMENT, LIKE EVERYTHING, IT WILL PASS AND LATER IN LIFE YOU WILL STAND STRONGER THAN BEFORE AND YOU WILL HAVE THE WISDOM TO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES!

Can You Have a Relationship with a Fuckboy?

October 10, 2017Dating Lessons, Fuckboy Stories, Online dating, Sex vs LoveLeave a Comment

Can you truly have a relationship with a fuckboy? I don’t know. I ask myself this tonight, while I laid next to a man who I find very similar to myself in someways but who I also can’t stand for how they feel about women. Have you ever met a man so charming, handsome, fun, so perfect that when you are with him, you feel special, you feel like you want to be with them regardless of the bullshit? He sings songs out of the blue, brightens your time during your date, he dances with you until closing time, he cooks for you, he cleans the house why you are gone, he’s adventurous in bed and he’s intellectual! How can one person be all these wonder things and also want to sleep with 30 other women? Ok, maybe not 30 but you get the drift.

From all the research I have done, all the podcast I have listened to, all the men I’ve met, I’m not afraid of sharing. I’m not against knowing that my partner will be aroused by another woman, there are much larger problems a relationship can have than sharing someone sexually. Sex is sex. Cheating is a different story. Cheating is lying and being deceitful. Something I’m highly against. Having an open relationship, is having a relationship with your best friend, someone you can share anything and everything without judgement. So If I can become best friends with this fuckboy, could I be happy? Could we be happy? Am i delusional?

I think we are living on the time when monogamy is dead. We no longer are getting married for money, or stability. Women have been able to support themselves. Why do we need to be in a relationship with one person forever? I agree if you want to make a family you probably should be with that person forever or until your children are grown but what if you don’t want children, what if you don’t want to get married, all you want is a partner, a friend, a companion? Can a fuckboy be this if you come to the agreement of having an open relationship? Could it work in the long term? A relationship based on truth, honesty, and passion to me is a remedy for a healthy long relationship? But what are the risks? Like in any relationship there are always risks. One of the biggest concerns with me would be the increased probability in STD’s. But if we didn’t have to worry about that, could more people be driven and desire OPEN RELATIONSHIPS? I believe so, I think naturally we wouldn’t mind more than one partner but social norms have made it into this 1:1 ratio.

I think it’s about honesty and trust……..if you have those things anything is possible but without it you are better off being alone than in a relationship with a fuckboy. fuckboy couple.jpg