Have you ever met a person that you can’t believe how good looking they are and you feel the Impostor syndrome? As if you wouldn’t be good enough for them. Wake up bitch you are!
Anyways, so you try to be the best you can be, you know, spend extra time on your make-up, hair, wardrobe, and a little longer at the gym. They don’t check off all the other boxes but their body and face make up for it since they aren’t stuck up. A few dates in, and you start seeing the flags. Not red flag but the black flags. What are those? You know the ones that make you realize this piece of work only cares about one thing and that is, pussy.
Men who are truly interested in you for LONG TERM, WILL ask you more detailed questions. They will show more interest in WHO YOU REALLY ARE. They will investigate the most they can. If you are a writer, they will ask what you write about, they will ask about your journey, if you are an artist, they will ask to see your work.
Here’s a good list of THE BLACK FLAGS:
DOESN’T CARE ENOUGH TO ASK ABOUT YOU (YOUR PASSIONS, YOUR JOURNEY)
DOESN’T HAVE ANY EMPATHY IF YOU ARE SICK- DOESN’T EVEN OFFER TO BRING YOU SOUP OR COLD MEDS
ASK YOU FOR EXACT TIMES TO SCHEDULE AROUND YOU, ALWAYS WANTING TO BE AVAILABLE FOR OTHER HOES
DOESN’T TAKE TIME TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR DAY
LITERALLY TELLS YOU THEY DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP BUT WANT TO KEEP SEEING YOU
DOESN’T MAKE YOUR ORGASM A PRIORITY
If you come across this type of man. Wake up bitch, the man is guarded. The man only cares about himself. Don’t give your heart to this man, he’s not worth it. #Next
One evening I was home getting ready to go to bed when this guy I had hooked up with a few months ago hit me up wanting to see me. It was about 9pm. He lived an hour and half away. I said “It’s too late and you live so far”. He insisted in coming over stating he really wanted to see me. The naive nineteen year old (14 years ago) me thought wow he must really like me that he wants to see me so bad and drive so long to see me. I felt special and bad for denying him to come over so I said “Fine, come over but all we are doing is sleeping because I have to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow”. He said “That’s fine, I just want to see you”.
At the time I was renting a room from a co-worker. I felt uncomfortable bringing any guy over especially if it was just for hooking up. I really didn’t want to have sex. I was tired, sleepy, and scared of waking up my roommate. I had to sneak this guy into my bedroom thru the sliding glass door of my bedroom. We laid in bed, cuddled and whispered as we talked. I think we might had made out. As I began to fall asleep I could feel his hands all over me. He wouldn’t stop touching me. I became so annoyed. All I wanted was to sleep. I told him “I really want to go to bed, it’s very late”. He said “Ok, ok”. Then a few minutes later he would start again. He laid so close to me that I could feel how hard he was. At this moment. I had a choice, one, get up and ask him to leave, or just give in, so he would stop harassing me. I had no sexual desire for him, but I went ahead like an idiot and gaved in just so I could be left alone to sleep. I never spoke to him again.
Then a few months later, I went out to a bar and bumped into a co-worker who looked like Fabio. He was tall, handsome, about 10–15 years older than me, and a ladies man. He was more like a hot beach bum though. A waiter, who hung around the beach all the time. I was attracted to him but didn’t want to sleep with him because I perceived him as a slutty guy to be honest. Well we are at the bar and he’s buying me drinks I think. I tell him no more because I have to drive home. He says “Oh, don’t worry you can stay at my house. I live just down the street. Don’t worry I have a sofa that I can sleep on”. I say “ Awesome. Yes I would like that. I don’t want to drive home it’s a far drive.” So we go, as he shows me his studio apartment that was a block from the beach, he tells me to lay down on his bed. I don’t recall if we kissed or not. All I know is that I told him I was not having sex with him but he insisted, and before I knew it he was looking for a condom. I let him insert into me wishing I hadn’t accepted his “kind” gesture. When he’s done, I rushed into the bathroom to wash up. I recall feeling gross and stupid for allowing that to happen. I recall feeling like I had no choice when in fact I did. I could had screamed “STOP”, I could of turned over once he laid behind me, I could had pushed him away but I didn’t. I don’t think I feared for my life nor that I was being raped. Consent back in the early 2000’s looked very different than how it does now.
I look back wishing I knew better back then. Wishing I had known that I had a voice and my feelings were valid. Wishing that it was ok to say NO and really stand my ground. From all the stories I hear there’s one thing in common, WOMEN ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO SAY NO. Now what does that mean? Well it means we give too much shit what others think, what he thinks, how he feels, how he has a need and somehow we are responsible to help him release this urgency. In the last fourteen years I have learned to say NO but it took a few tries. I learned that if you invite a guy over to sleep over and tell him you only want to sleep 9/10 he’s going to try to change your mind. Therefore…
) DON’T HAVE A GUY SLEEP IN YOUR BED UNLESS YOU ARE PLANNING ON SLEEPING WITH HIM.
) DON’T EXPECT SPOONING IS JUST SPOONING. We are animals, BOTH sexual beings. You’re mind might be saying “This is a bad idea, I shouldn’t sleep with him” but your pheromones are totally saying something else. Do you wonder why guys don’t listen to your hints that you aren’t interested?Your tone of voice, your scent, your body temperature, your lips, and your cheeks all change. Biologically we are made to want to have sex, to reproduce, to unite and mix genes. So QUIT putting yourself in a situation where you know you don’t want to be in. Your body will signal it wants to mate if you feel turned on just a tiny bit. So when you guys are smashing faces and you feel a tad tingly, know that your body is saying YES. So be aware of that and take action if you know you don’t want to have sex by STOPPING making out and COMMUNICATING BLUNTLY!
) IF HE’S NOT LISTENING TO YOUR REASONS WHY YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX, OR YOUR PLAIN NO, CHANGE IT UP AND SAY “NO MOTHERFUCKER!” and walk out. There is no reason why you need to be nice, polite, or care what he might think of you. Stand your ground PROUD and make sure you are BLUNT, CLEAR, where there is no chance of misleading anyone.
) DON’T SUCK HIS DICK AND THEN SAY LATER THAT YOU DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX, OR THAT YOU FELT OBLIGATED. Stop acting like men can read minds. If they see you giving them foreplay and you are also receiving there is NO WAY in hell he’s going to think you are not interested in having sex. GIVE A FUCK MORE ABOUT YOU, THAN HURTING HIS FEELINGS OR FEELING GUILTY because he paid for dinner and drinks.
****BE HONEST, SPEAK UP, AND SAY NO LIKE YOU MEAN IT!****
If you care about this person and are scared of confrontation say the following:
) Say “I’m sorry but I’m not ready for that step”; explain what you are ready for and want.
) Say “Sorry but I don’t have sex without a condom, I’m not on birth control”.
) Say “Sorry but I have an yeast infection right now”
) Say “Sorry I’m on my period, and it’s bad right now”
) Say “ I’m in the part of my cycle where I have zero sex drive right now, maybe next week we can attempt again”
Desperation is something most people aren’t aware of when displaying it. Be cautious how you treat your person of interest. Here’s my story of how a guy who went from fun to annoying real quick.
Last year I went to a Christmas party with an old friend who’s also a fwb. We kinda agreed to go to this party together but mind you, this guy has a gf. He said he told her he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore but they live together for convenience. As I stood by a corner drinking my drink and talking to my fwb, I look over and this very handsome man with threads is smiling at me huge and waves hello. I look at my date and ask if he knows him, thinking he was saying hello to him. Before I know it, this guy has me twirling on the dance floor making my night way more fun! He tells me that he asked my friend if I had a bf and he said no, not that he knew. He also said he had a gf. Still not sure if that part is true. Either way my fwb definitely didn’t stand up for himself and say “Back up dude, she’s with me”, or something along those lines. Wouldn’t you want to protect or keep things clear if someone is trying to steal your date?
Anyways, Mr. Dreads and I take a break from dancing and sit on a nearby sofa. We chat for awhile. I then get up to go to the bathroom and see my FWB guy grabbing his coat and getting ready to leave. I loudly say “What are you doing? NO, don’t leave”, he tells me he thought I had already left. I tell him ” I’m going to the bathroom, don’t leave!” and sure enough when I came back out he was gone.
At this point I’m pretty tipsy. My new date is not. He doesn’t really drink heavy. We go back to his place (which I was thankful for because I was in no condition to drive home) which was very very close. The more time I spend with him, the more I think this guy is so wonderful. Next morning, I wake up thinking OMG this guy has HUGE threads! Definitely someone out not my type. I discover he’s a stock broker, who bought an investment house, rents out the first floor and lives on the second floor. So he was smart with money and seemed ambitious. He was also a DJ. His decor of his house wasn’t bad and he had lots of love for his cats. I literally thought, wow, I finally met someone decent and worth my time. Before I walk out the door this guy tells me he’s ready for a girlfriend and I’m like “Oh, really?” and he immediately says “Yeah but not with you”, I must of had the face of WTF.
Then he tells me he’s looking for a Jewish girlfriend and I reply with “cool”. Well after that day, this guy has tried constantly to hangout again. I went out with him twice after our first night and then I was done. He tried to convince me to play with his circumcision scar because if caused him extra sensation (I was so grossed out and said nooo). His hair also smelled like dirty laundry. When he was at my house he tried on my robe because it looked cozy. Well he left my robe smelling like BO even though he had showered. I was so over this guy. On top of that he thought he was super smart when in fact he wasn’t as knowledgeable as he thought. He was four years younger than me but still. Even though there was all these weird things, I still appreciated that he allowed himself to be vulnerable by showing he wanted affection and intimacy. What ended his streak and hit him blindsided was that he didn’t see what I saw and that was the fact that he was feeling lonely and bored. His constant attempts of hanging out even after I declined nicely, showed this wasn’t about me. This wasn’t that he missed me, or that he wanted to see me. This was strictly him reaching out to fulfill his emptiness; he was bored and didn’t feel like having to meet a new girl to talk to. He thought I was easy and fun. After I got tired of saying no, I finally said a FINAL no and explained a little on how I was feeling. He finally understood once I told him I didn’t want to be a choice out of boredom but a real choice. I could have looked passed all the bad qualities but I value myself more than to spend it with someone who doesn’t value me for me.
LEARN TO VALUE YOUR TIME!
If my date isn’t providing me with entertainment, passion or laughter then he’s not worthy of my time. This might sound selfish but in reality we have to do the things that make us HAPPY! Life is too short to go on shitty dates, Life is too busy to waste it on people that are negative, or bland. Life is about taking chances, but also choosing wisely! Dating isn’t easy but one way to start conquering it, is by making YOU HAPPY first!! Don’t forget that!
TIPS FOR MEN AND WOMEN ON HOW NOT TO LOOK DESPERATE:
Don’t over call, don’t over text, don’t do it!!!
If he or she says no the first time you invite them somewhere, wait for them to try to make plans with you instead
If you ask a second time, don’t ask a third, wait for them to make the plans with you. If they truly want to see you, they will put the effort in making that happen. Don’t waste your time chasing who doesn’t want to be chased.
If speak on the phone and end on a good note, don’t call back a few hours later when you are free. Allow the other person to have their space, and miss you. Don’t get them tired of you before they even get to know you. A little conversation here, allows for longer conversations later.
Don’t tell your lady/guy that you are bored. No one wants to be with someone who isn’t motivated to do anything on their own. At this age in day, no one should be bored.
Don’t make the other person feel like they are your only choice, your last choice, or a choice out of boredome
Appear to be busier than you really are. It’s nice to not know all your shit or at least try guessing what you are up to. Leave your shit to the imagination. This creates lust for one another. I don’t need a diary page of what you did today. No one gives a shit.
Have deeper conversations and if you can’t have an intellectual conversation to keep him or her interested than make sure you are making them laugh or making them feel relaxed and at ease.
Offer a massage, foot rub, or something thoughtful. We gravitate towards people who show empathy.
Don’t text her/him as soon as you wake up and don’t text good night. Unless you are in a serious committed relationship, DON’T TEXT those type of messages. Shows you have nothing better to do. Always appear busy. We like people who are striving to be better at life, and bettering themselves.
Don’t send a bunch of selfies and your dick. We get that you like your muscles and your dick.
My date with a Finance fuckboy started with drinks at a small local bar. As I walked in, he immediately recognized me. I was very surprised how handsome he was in person but looked younger than what I would have prefered. I thought immediately well this is going to be short and sweet. He was too good-looking. You know, that pretty boy look. Where the guy might be better looking than you. We sat at a four top where we started to do the usual get to know each other chat (boring talk). I think we kinda started syncing when we both said “Same, same but different” at the same time. It was cute. By this time he told me his mother had breast cancer for a second time and wasn’t planning on quitting her smoking habit which was a total downer to our conversation. He also told me he was obsessed with football and that was a total turn off since I’m not into sports. I acted supportive when I mentioned we should move to the sofa next to the fireplace where he could watch the game.
After two beers, we left and went to my favorite bar down the street which was playing live music. I started talking to a guy next to us. Made some small talk and before we knew it, he was obsessing with my date and was offering him a high paying job. He also started buying us VERY expensive drinks. Without knowing, I was gone quick! Then we went to a dive bar nearby. Apparently I made him dance with me when no one else was dancing and everyone was watching us. Lol. At some point some other guy was trying to hit on me on the dance floor and our new friend we made, came up to him and said “HEY, she’s with him, back off” Lol. It was definitely a night to remember, sad part is I barely remember it.
Next morning, he started freaking out he had a hickey on his neck and when I mean freaking out, he’s literally online looking up remedies one after the other and telling me he’s fucked. It turns out the next day he had a huge presentation to give in the company. He thought it would get him fired if he showed up with a hickey. For the next two hours we spent trying to hide this hickey. I tried some of my make up and gave him lessons on how to apply it. Then I went with him to the pharmacy to help him choose a right skin tone concealer. He purchase like 4 other things to help it go away. We were starving and wanted to eat bbq, so we waited 15 mins until the restaurant opened. While we waited in the car, I applied ice for a few minutes and then rubbed something hard across the hickey. I don’t remember what it was, think it might had been a credit card, or comb. I offered to pay for our brunch since I felt super guilty for causing this huge hickey on his neck. Which didn’t even look like a hickey, it was a line across his neck instead of a spot. We had a good brunch where we fought our hangover and laughed thru it.
At this point, I felt like I wouldn’t see him again even though we were having a good time. It didn’t seem like we had much in common and I didn’t want to date someone who would freak out to that extend over a hickey. Plus I really didn’t think he was interested in me, or attracted to me. I felt older than him, even though he was very successful in his career and spoke as if he was 10 years older than me.
The following days he started hitting me up on snapchat and asking to see me again. I was surprised but thought why not. I wanted to see him but because I was so busy and he was traveling two weeks passed by and we still hadn’t seen each other again. Then I started seeing someone else who wasn’t as attractive but I had a lot more in common. The new guy knew I wasn’t looking for a relationship and that I was openly dating. Therefore I was still exchanging snapchats with Finance guy and one day he sends me a picture of a close up of his face with his ski helmet. He looked like a different person. So I replied asking him if he gained 10 pounds because he looked like a different person. I was expecting an answer like “Oh I’ve been eating like shit and drinking daily” but instead I got FUCK YOU, I’M SICK. YOU ARE DICK, AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH….Literally super mean, as if he was trying to punch me with his words. I immediately got flashback of my ex husband so I replied with a short response of “Wow” and blocked his ass!!
My message to him was definitely more of a joke than a serious offensive attack, but I understand how it could be taken the wrong way but I don’t think anyone should start cursing at someone in order to defend oneself especially at something so silly.
Sometimes when the other person is too good-looking, they think they are the shit and belong on a pedestal. Avoid fuckboys who ask for nudes on snapchat like this loser. Avoid men who call your dogs ugly!!! Avoid men who can’t handle hickeys like real men. Avoid small dicks 😉 and dicks!
And for those still reading, just know the hickey was pretty much gone the next day. He didn’t have to use make-up to cover it or come up with some lie to explain the bruise line. He also still has my very expensive compact make- up (which I knew would be a lost once I gave it to him). Lesson learned!
We live in a time that everyone has a busy life, where our free time is very precious and to waste an evening with someone you can’t stand is criminal. Valuing your time is the best choice you can make. With the non-stop swiping, and constant switching message windows from person to person, it’s hard to choose who you want to go on a first date with.
STEP 1: SWIPE ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF KISSING AND HAVE A BRAIN
I normally start with five matches (being picky that I am), then I narrow it down to three guys. I try to give everyone a chance but a chance doesn’t mean a date. I’ll talk to them until I get to the point where I either get bored or figure out they don’t meet my standards and we have zero in common. I kindly tell them I’m no longer interested, where then they try to convince me that I’m wrong in not giving them a chance or say “But we haven’t even met, how do you know we aren’t a good match?”. Last week I almost replied “Cuz you are annoying AF” but I was too nice and just didn’t reply after they told me how much I was missing out and their ongoing list of qualities he thought I would be impressed by. Which just made me feel reassured that my instinct was right. I’ve learned not to waste time on people who aren’t worth of mine.
STEP TWO: LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCT! CHOOSE A GUY THAT IS SHOWING INTEREST IN YOU BY ALSO PUTTING WORK INTO HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOU. THIS MEANS, HE SHOULD BE ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE AND PICKING UP THINGS FROM YOUR PROFILE TO ENGAGE MORE WITH YOU.
STEP THREE: PICK SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO REGARDLESS WHO HE IS (SOMETHING YOU COULD ENJOY ALONE OR WOULD DO EVEN IF HE WASN’T TAKING YOU THERE).
Don’t think that every person you go on a date is applying for the husband position. MOST LIKELY they WON’T BE THE ONE. You have to look at dating as something FUN. Now how can we know whether we will have fun or be entertained? The question you should ask yourself HOW DO I HAVE FUN REGARDLESS OF WITH WHO I AM WITH? For me it’s DANCING AND DRINKS. I love it! Anything with music is my thing. So I make sure that my date has either live music or dance music. Which is a test on how it would be if we would be a couple. It’s the ultimate test on doing something you love and know you wouldn’t want to get rid of in your life. If this new guy has something negative to say about the ambience of your good juju, then obviously he is NOT the one.
WHO TO PICK?
One of the things I’ve learned this 2017 year is that I’m greatly entertained by knowledge. If my date is teaching me something or is sharing something so out of my range that I’m in awe at the story then I know I’m going to be entertained. Pick someone with adventurous or eventful career so they can entertain you with their stories. Lawyers are fun compared to the guy who works in a manufacturing warehouse. Musicians, travelers, and even swingers!
If a guy can get you to laugh over text, it’s always a good sign! It’s also a sign they are confident human beings. If a guy sends you more selfies than you take, take that as a note that they are arrogant and most likely not worth your time. They care more about appearance and lack intellectuality. They can’t formulate enough interesting conversations so they send you tons of pics. Soooo annoying!!
FIRST DATES CAN BE THE ULTIMATE TEST
Two weeks ago I decided to take a chance and meet a guy for the first time at the GYM as our first date and it was great! I felt like I didn’t lose anytime because I was doing what was on my TO DO LIST and doing what I WANTED to do! It was a test on how we would work out together, a test on his ability of lasting thru a hard workout, and how he treated women in a position where he could have the ability to show off or be a teacher.
The date went well, we set up a second date at the gym, with clean up at my place and drinks downtown. It went pretty well. Again, had a great time listening to an amazing band and having my favorite drinks. Third date is tonight…NEW YEARS EVE! Wasn’t sure how I felt about spending it with someone new but again I’m doing WHAT I WANT TO DO and that was stay home, make dinner and spend it with my pups, so why not share it with someone who is good company?
The benefits of being older are much greater than one expects them to be. Wisdom is something that you gain through your intuition and your experiences. I think I finally felt wisdom in my own shoes. A few months ago, I used to think I was weak and always was attracted to the bad boy type or the narcissistic asshole. I thought I had issues and that my past controlled my taste in men. I saw bad qualities in men as normal since that’s what I was used to. In other words, I could look past the bad qualities and focus on the good qualities, like their good looks and muscles, maybe their love for dogs, ambition, or confidence.
A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date with someone from Bumble. To my surprise, he was so handsome, tall, with dark features, hazel eyes, and looked like a thicker version of James Dean.
When I say thick I don’t mean fat, just bulkier. Anyways, he was a gentleman, told me if I didn’t mind he was raised to always pay for a lady, which I was impressed to hear since those type of men are disappearing from the dating scenes. We sat at the bar at an Asian inspired restaurant. We drank sake and had one appetizer. To our surprise, the restaurant didn’t serve sushi, which was the main reason we chose the location, so we found ourselves going next door for sushi. I chose a sake and thought he would share mine, instead he asked the waitress which beverage had the least alcohol. I raised my eyebrows to this. I immediately saw red flags go up. We had barely drank at the place before and here he was trying to cut back. I asked what he was concerned about and he mentioned that he did not want to go crazy drinking and he also had to drive. For some reason, I didn’t feel his answer was sincere. I could see a lot of tension that he carried on his shoulders and forehead. I could feel like there was something he was holding back, perhaps a lot, he seemed like he was about to explode with emotions. I mentioned to him what I felt from his body composure and he immediately was taken back and told me that I figured him pretty damn well and he couldn’t understand how I could tell so much. He became very emotional, didn’t cry but I felt he was close. He opened up and told me that he had a lot of bad qualities which he shared in detail and he was still trying to get over a breakup.
Anyways, later that evening he went outside for a cigarette break, while he was gone I checked my phone and received a nasty unexpected email from my ex-husband (since he had been blocked). There was no real reason why he contacted me but to be hurtful and wished my family and friends all the worst from a present hurricane. He mentioned a bunch of other nasty things that I will not waste time expanding on. It was obvious he was bored and hating his own life because he wrote me from someone else’s email address so he could go past my email blocker. I became immediately emotional, started crying; not because he hurt me but because I felt desperate. Here I was trying to move on with my life, erase him from my life and he still was able to affect me. Well quickly after, my date returned to our table and found me sad, so of course I had to open up and share what had just occurred. He immediately came over to my side of the booth and put his arms around me where I sobbed a little and we shared a strong emotional connection.
At last I thought I had found a good looking man who was a gentleman and didn’t send me dick pics and actually wanted to spend quality time together (instead of getting drunk and getting crazy). Then as we were leaving, he kissed me and then invited me back to his place. To my surprise, he stopped at a liquor store where he got whatever I wanted and of course I chose tequila, my new go-to drink. We definitely got drunk, danced a little and sat down and had a deep conversation thanks to me. He told me a lot of things that perhaps he wouldn’t have if I didn’t self-analyze him and confront him with my thoughts. Bottom line: I discovered that he had a lot of issues. He was a chronic smoker, smoked weed a lot, and drank frequently. His home was pretty clean, plain, but homey. His kitchen was spotless and outdated but very clean (aka- obviously he didn’t cook). He also mentioned that he tries not to be a narcissist and that once someone breaks his heart, it’s over and they are dead to him (he might have said this in other words). I immediately felt warned. The house he lived in was small and identical to my ex-boyfriend and I’s from when I was 18. I literally felt I had turned back time and I was sitting home with a man with depression and addictions – someone who obviously didn’t love himself and was disappointed with himself deep inside.
We fell asleep and I went home the next morning. During the car ride, I couldn’t help but feel scared. Scared of myself, my past returning and feeling drawn to this type of man who obviously needs help. I was scared that I was starting to really like him even though I knew he was an emotional wreck.
Now it was Saturday and I was hungover and didn’t want to do anything but relax. I was bored and so I texted him if he wanted to come visit me since he had mentioned he really wanted to meet my dogs. Well, what I thought was going to be a few hours turned out to be a sleepover (NOT MY IDEA!). We sat all afternoon in the hammock. I tried to sleep but he just kept getting up non-stop to smoke. I was disgusted. At this point, I was annoyed and I knew there was no way I could be with him. His addiction was too much to handle (he literally would get up and smoke every 15 minutes), but the more I sat with him I felt more and more comfortable with him. I think I began getting used to him and his bad habits. He also drank beer after beer. Meanwhile, I had none and all I cared to do was sleep and recover. Then it got late, so he went outside to his car and came inside with a plastic grocery bag with things inside. He said, “I planned on sleeping over so I came prepared. Hope that’s ok.” I was so shocked and thought it was so rude of him to invite himself to sleepover so quickly. This is where another red flag popped up big. What man throws himself so quickly after meeting someone and when it’s not about sex? Wanting to spend quality time with someone comes with time. The more you get to know someone, the more you are able to expand your time with them, but to want to spend all day and night with someone so quickly is a HUGE NO NO! But because I’m a nice person and felt bad, I said sure you can – missing out on a friends jacuzzi party.
By this point, I was not impressed by this man sitting in my bed, who was obviously really liking me and wanting to have something special and serious. We went on another date the following week. It took a lot of push for me to go but because we were going to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I couldn’t cancel. Plus I really wanted to give him the chance since it looked like he was willing to put the time and effort in having something serious. But seriously! What was I thinking? He was closed minded, didn’t work out, a heavy smoker, had a beer belly in the making, and watched sports and tv on his spare time, ANNNND….also showed signs of being a narcissist. He was absolutely everything I didn’t want in a man!! But why had I put myself through two weeks of talking to him and accepting going on a second date? Well, I did and I enjoyed myself on our date. The food was great, the drinks were great, and he looked at me like I was gold. I felt happy. Here’s my advice don’t let the fools gold fool you! RUN FOR THE HILLS THE SECOND YOUR HEART AND MIND TELL YOU THIS ISN’T RIGHT!
We went back to his place, where I learned that a man who smokes and doesn’t work out will never provide good sex. If you have crappy lungs, how can you breathe properly and have stamina? YOU CAN’T! But not only did he suck at performing, his spirit wasn’t there. I was so bored but glad it didn’t last very long. We then shared some quiet time talking and I somehow felt so drawn to him. Well, what I felt was nostalgia. I didn’t know until a few days later. I was thinking at the time, “Maybe I’m being too judgmental and he might be someone who can make me happy in the long run.” Still wondering WTF I was thinking. Well, I mentioned to him that I was planning to continue seeing other people until I thought what we had was going to be something serious. He mentioned something I don’t recall and I felt bad so I decided to invite him to my house for another night and said he could sleep over. It was obvious he wanted to spend time with me, and it had been a long time since anyone wanted to spend alone time with me in a non-sexual way. Well, he came over and I began to realize I really didn’t have feelings for this man. I was so bored with his presence and I knew we were a terrible match.
The following day I reached out letting him know he had forgotten his charger, etc. I will not continue with the rest of the details of the conversation but bottom line, he exploded on me with an attitude and refused to open up as what friends do. At the same time, I was putting away dishes from dinner. The dishes he had helped wash. Well those damn dishes were freaken dirty af! I immediately told him, that I was done talking to him and we were a bad match. The following day he tried apologizing and blah, blah, blah…The old me from 10 years ago would have accepted his apology and tried to work things out.
I realized then that I had succeeded! I had finally broken the chain of narcissistic boyfriends who were judgmental and had evil souls. I told him sorry I was not interested anymore but he fought back via text. He insisted he wouldn’t give up that easily and that we had something special. Blah, blah, blah…..I told him we were not a good match again and that he had a lot of qualities I did not admire. I said Good night and I was on a date. He responded with something mean and tried to hurt me. So I blocked him.
Moral of the story is that if I hadn’t gone through all those bad experiences with my ex’s, I wouldn’t have the bad feeling “intuition” when I saw those red flags. I would have tried to look past those bad habits and tried to make it work just because he thought I was special. I have learned to care more about how special and valuable I feel rather than how someone else feels about me!
EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A LESSON EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE GOING THRU HELL AT THE MOMENT, LIKE EVERYTHING, IT WILL PASS AND LATER IN LIFE YOU WILL STAND STRONGER THAN BEFORE AND YOU WILL HAVE THE WISDOM TO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES!
Why happy couples cheat and why are we so jealous?
Whether you are married or dating, people find it so hard to stay faithful. I have witness all sorts of people wanting to cheat or actually cheating. I would estimate from personal experience about 5% of men don’t cheat on their mates, while probably 85% of women wouldn’t cheat on their spouse. But now a days what is considered cheating? There’s online porn, sexting, online dating apps, massage parlors, grinning at the club, so many ways some couples might consider cheating. I was once told cheating is doing something you wouldn’t do in front of your partner, but does that really stand now a days? I personally believe there shouldn’t be walls or restrictions between couples. All fantasies and dirty thoughts should be shared but not all people share the same openmindness I have. People tend to be possessive, controlling, and of course we all know the big one JEALOUSY!! My thoughts are it boils down to self-esteem and confidence.
If you are worried that your suppose is wandering off looking for someone else to replace you, or you are getting all hissy fit that your partner is staring at someone else who’s very good looking in the room, tv, or online, all it really says is that you have ZERO CONFIDENCE in yourself and in your relationship!!! Now there are people who will cheat and their suppose is confident in themselves and in their relationship but I believe those cheat strictly for the release and not the emotional exchanges that can come about in love affairs. I will discuss the difference in cheating for love and for sex on a different post (Future post: How to know the difference between cheating for love and sex, and How you can avoid one!)
We are humans, aka animals, we have natural instincts to be aroused and want sex. The key is control. ANNNND remember the difference between sex and love. If you are in a relationship, most likely you are with them because you LOVE each other, it’s more than just sex, it’s sooo much more than just sex!!
Don’t feel threaten! Instead join your partner in admiring what they are drooling over! Remember you are on each other’s side! Join your partner in his/her arousal and make it your own. I think this is the point in your relationship where you either push each other away or get closer. If you try to control your partner, it will only make you look less attractive, and make them feel suffocated, and push them to feeling the need to hide their feelings, desires, thoughts, aka fantasies from you. Don’t create walls in your relationship by letting your insecurities take over your temperament. Don’t create fights over silly things! Life is too short to get jealous over something that is so natural to being human.
You might ask what does this have to do with cheating? Well it’s the start! Once you have made your partner know of your insecurities, you have made them more reciprocal to being attracted to other confident women. Remember to be your partner’s best friend, someone who doesn’t judge but listens.
Honesty creates trust, trust creates union, and union is what keeps you on the same side of the net.