TOP 6 Ways to say NO in dating

One evening I was home getting ready to go to bed when this guy I had hooked up with a few months ago hit me up wanting to see me. It was about 9pm. He lived an hour and half away. I said “It’s too late and you live so far”. He insisted in coming over stating he really wanted to see me. The naive nineteen year old (14 years ago) me thought wow he must really like me that he wants to see me so bad and drive so long to see me. I felt special and bad for denying him to come over so I said “Fine, come over but all we are doing is sleeping because I have to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow”. He said “That’s fine, I just want to see you”.

At the time I was renting a room from a co-worker. I felt uncomfortable bringing any guy over especially if it was just for hooking up. I really didn’t want to have sex. I was tired, sleepy, and scared of waking up my roommate. I had to sneak this guy into my bedroom thru the sliding glass door of my bedroom. We laid in bed, cuddled and whispered as we talked. I think we might had made out. As I began to fall asleep I could feel his hands all over me. He wouldn’t stop touching me. I became so annoyed. All I wanted was to sleep. I told him “I really want to go to bed, it’s very late”. He said “Ok, ok”. Then a few minutes later he would start again. He laid so close to me that I could feel how hard he was. At this moment. I had a choice, one, get up and ask him to leave, or just give in, so he would stop harassing me. I had no sexual desire for him, but I went ahead like an idiot and gaved in just so I could be left alone to sleep. I never spoke to him again.

Then a few months later, I went out to a bar and bumped into a co-worker who looked like Fabio. He was tall, handsome, about 10–15 years older than me, and a ladies man. He was more like a hot beach bum though. A waiter, who hung around the beach all the time. I was attracted to him but didn’t want to sleep with him because I perceived him as a slutty guy to be honest. Well we are at the bar and he’s buying me drinks I think. I tell him no more because I have to drive home. He says “Oh, don’t worry you can stay at my house. I live just down the street. Don’t worry I have a sofa that I can sleep on”. I say “ Awesome. Yes I would like that. I don’t want to drive home it’s a far drive.” So we go, as he shows me his studio apartment that was a block from the beach, he tells me to lay down on his bed. I don’t recall if we kissed or not. All I know is that I told him I was not having sex with him but he insisted, and before I knew it he was looking for a condom. I let him insert into me wishing I hadn’t accepted his “kind” gesture. When he’s done, I rushed into the bathroom to wash up. I recall feeling gross and stupid for allowing that to happen. I recall feeling like I had no choice when in fact I did. I could had screamed “STOP”, I could of turned over once he laid behind me, I could had pushed him away but I didn’t. I don’t think I feared for my life nor that I was being raped. Consent back in the early 2000’s looked very different than how it does now.

I look back wishing I knew better back then. Wishing I had known that I had a voice and my feelings were valid. Wishing that it was ok to say NO and really stand my ground. From all the stories I hear there’s one thing in common, WOMEN ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO SAY NO. Now what does that mean? Well it means we give too much shit what others think, what he thinks, how he feels, how he has a need and somehow we are responsible to help him release this urgency. In the last fourteen years I have learned to say NO but it took a few tries. I learned that if you invite a guy over to sleep over and tell him you only want to sleep 9/10 he’s going to try to change your mind. Therefore…

  1. ) DON’T HAVE A GUY SLEEP IN YOUR BED UNLESS YOU ARE PLANNING ON SLEEPING WITH HIM.
  2. ) DON’T EXPECT SPOONING IS JUST SPOONING. We are animals, BOTH sexual beings. You’re mind might be saying “This is a bad idea, I shouldn’t sleep with him” but your pheromones are totally saying something else. Do you wonder why guys don’t listen to your hints that you aren’t interested?Your tone of voice, your scent, your body temperature, your lips, and your cheeks all change. Biologically we are made to want to have sex, to reproduce, to unite and mix genes. So QUIT putting yourself in a situation where you know you don’t want to be in. Your body will signal it wants to mate if you feel turned on just a tiny bit. So when you guys are smashing faces and you feel a tad tingly, know that your body is saying YES. So be aware of that and take action if you know you don’t want to have sex by STOPPING making out and COMMUNICATING BLUNTLY!
  3. ) IF HE’S NOT LISTENING TO YOUR REASONS WHY YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX, OR YOUR PLAIN NO, CHANGE IT UP AND SAY “NO MOTHERFUCKER!” and walk out. There is no reason why you need to be nice, polite, or care what he might think of you. Stand your ground PROUD and make sure you are BLUNT, CLEAR, where there is no chance of misleading anyone.
  4. ) DON’T SUCK HIS DICK AND THEN SAY LATER THAT YOU DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX, OR THAT YOU FELT OBLIGATED. Stop acting like men can read minds. If they see you giving them foreplay and you are also receiving there is NO WAY in hell he’s going to think you are not interested in having sex. GIVE A FUCK MORE ABOUT YOU, THAN HURTING HIS FEELINGS OR FEELING GUILTY because he paid for dinner and drinks.

****BE HONEST, SPEAK UP, AND SAY NO LIKE YOU MEAN IT!****

If you care about this person and are scared of confrontation say the following:

  1. ) Say “I’m sorry but I’m not ready for that step”; explain what you are ready for and want.
  2. ) Say “Sorry but I don’t have sex without a condom, I’m not on birth control”.
  3. ) Say “Sorry but I have an yeast infection right now”
  4. ) Say “Sorry I’m on my period, and it’s bad right now”
  5. ) Say “ I’m in the part of my cycle where I have zero sex drive right now, maybe next week we can attempt again”
  6. ) Say “ I don’t feel well can we reschedule”

COMMUNICATION

Know Your Worth

Desperation is something most people aren’t aware of when displaying it. Be cautious how you treat your person of interest. Here’s my story of how a guy who went from fun to annoying real quick.

Last year I went to a Christmas party with an old friend who’s also a fwb. We kinda agreed to go to this party together but mind you, this guy has a gf. He said he told her he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore but they live together for convenience. As I stood by a corner  drinking my drink and talking to my fwb, I look over and this very handsome man with threads is smiling at me huge and waves hello. I look at my date and ask if he knows him, thinking he was saying hello to him. Before I know it, this guy has me twirling on the dance floor making my night way more fun! He tells me that he asked my friend if I had a bf and he said no, not that he knew. He also said he had a gf. Still not sure if that part is true. Either way my fwb definitely didn’t stand up for himself and say “Back up dude, she’s with me”, or something along those lines. Wouldn’t you want to protect or keep things clear if someone is trying to steal your date?

Anyways, Mr. Dreads and I take a break from dancing and sit on a nearby sofa. We chat for awhile. I then get up to go to the bathroom and see my FWB guy grabbing his coat and getting ready to leave. I loudly say “What are you doing? NO, don’t leave”, he tells me he thought I had already left. I tell him ” I’m going to the bathroom, don’t leave!” and sure enough when I came back out he was gone.

At this point I’m pretty tipsy. My new date is not. He doesn’t really drink heavy. We go back to his place (which I was thankful for because I was in no condition to drive home) which was very very close.  The more time I spend with him, the more I think this guy is so wonderful. Next morning, I wake up thinking OMG this guy has HUGE threads! Definitely someone out not my type.  I discover he’s a stock broker, who bought an investment house, rents out the first floor and lives on the second floor. So he was smart with money and seemed ambitious. He was also a DJ. His decor of his house wasn’t bad and he had lots of love for his cats. I literally thought, wow, I finally met someone decent and worth my time. Before I walk out the door this guy tells me he’s ready for a girlfriend and I’m like “Oh, really?” and he immediately says “Yeah but not with you”, I must of had the face of WTF. WTF

Then he tells me he’s looking for a Jewish girlfriend and I reply with “cool”. Well after that day, this guy has tried constantly to hangout again. I went out with him twice after our first night and then I was done. He tried to convince me to play with his circumcision scar because if caused him extra sensation  (I was so grossed out and said nooo). His hair also smelled like dirty laundry. When he was at my house he tried on my robe because it looked cozy. Well he left my robe smelling like BO even though he had showered.  I was so over this guy. On top of that he thought he was super smart when in fact he wasn’t as knowledgeable  as he thought. He was four years younger than me but still. Even though there was all these weird things, I still appreciated that he allowed himself to be vulnerable by showing he wanted affection and intimacy. What ended his streak and hit him blindsided was that he didn’t see what I saw  and that was the fact that he was feeling lonely and bored. His constant attempts of hanging out even after I declined nicely, showed this wasn’t about me. This wasn’t that he missed me, or that he wanted to see me. This was strictly him reaching out to fulfill his emptiness; he was bored and didn’t feel like having to meet a new girl to talk to. He thought I was easy and fun.  After I got tired of saying no, I finally said a FINAL no and explained a little on how I was feeling. He finally understood once I told him I didn’t want to be a choice out of boredom but a real choice. I could have looked passed all the bad qualities but I value myself more than to spend it with someone who doesn’t value me for me.

 

LEARN TO VALUE YOUR TIME!

If my date isn’t providing me with entertainment, passion or laughter then he’s not worthy of my time. This might sound selfish but in reality we have to do the things that make us HAPPY! Life is too short to go on shitty dates, Life is too busy to waste it on people that are negative, or bland. Life is about taking chances, but also choosing wisely! Dating isn’t easy but one way to start conquering it, is by making YOU HAPPY first!! Don’t forget that!

TIPS FOR MEN AND WOMEN ON HOW NOT TO LOOK DESPERATE:

  1. Don’t over call, don’t over text, don’t do it!!!
  2. If he or she says no the first time you invite them somewhere, wait for them to try to make plans with you instead
  3. If you ask a second time, don’t ask a third, wait for them to make the plans with you. If they truly want to see you, they will put the effort in making that happen. Don’t waste your time chasing who doesn’t want to be chased.
  4. If speak on the phone and end on a good note, don’t call back a few hours later when you are free. Allow the other person to have their space, and miss you. Don’t get them tired of you before they even get to know you. A little conversation here, allows for longer conversations later.
  5. Don’t tell your lady/guy that you are bored. No one wants to be with someone who isn’t motivated to do anything on their own. At this age in day, no one should be bored.
  6. Don’t make the other person feel like they are your only choice, your last choice, or a choice out of boredome
  7. Appear to be busier than you really are. It’s nice to not know all your shit or at least try guessing what you are up to. Leave your shit to the imagination. This creates lust for one another. I don’t need a diary page of what you did today. No one gives a shit.
  8. Have deeper conversations and if you can’t have an intellectual conversation to keep him or her interested than make sure you are making them laugh or making them feel relaxed and at ease.
  9. Offer a massage, foot rub, or something thoughtful. We gravitate towards people who show empathy.
  10. Don’t text her/him as soon as you wake up and don’t text good night. Unless you are in a serious committed relationship, DON’T TEXT those type of messages. Shows you have nothing better to do. Always appear busy. We like people who are striving to be better at life, and bettering themselves.
  11. Don’t send a bunch of selfies and your dick. We get that you like your muscles and your dick.

 

Finance Fuckboy

My Date With A Finance Fuckboy And His Freakout

My date with a Finance fuckboy started  with drinks at a small local bar. As I walked in, he immediately recognized me. I was very surprised how handsome he was in person but looked younger than what I would have prefered. I thought immediately well this is going to be short and sweet. He was too good-looking. You know, that pretty boy look. Where the guy might be better looking than you. We sat at a four top where we started to do the usual get to know each other chat (boring talk). I think we kinda started syncing when we both said “Same, same but different” at the same time. It was cute.  By  this time he told me his mother had  breast cancer for a second time and wasn’t planning on quitting her smoking habit which was a total downer to our conversation. He also told me he was obsessed with football and that was a total turn off since I’m not into sports. I acted supportive when I mentioned we should move to the sofa next to the fireplace where he could watch the game.

After two beers, we left and went to my favorite bar down the street which was playing live music. I started talking to a guy next to us. Made some small talk and before we knew it, he was obsessing with my date and was offering him a high paying job. He also started buying us VERY expensive drinks. Without knowing, I was gone quick! Then we went to a dive bar nearby.  Apparently I made him dance with me when no one else was dancing and everyone was watching us. Lol. At some point some other guy was trying to hit on me  on the dance floor and our new friend we made, came up to him and said “HEY, she’s with him, back off” Lol. It was definitely a night to remember, sad part is I barely remember it.

Hickey night

Next morning, he started freaking out he had a hickey on his neck and when I mean freaking out, he’s literally online looking up remedies one after the other and telling me he’s fucked.  It turns out the next day he had a huge presentation to give in the company. He thought it would get him fired if he showed up with a hickey. For the next two hours we spent trying to hide this hickey.  I tried some of my make up and gave him lessons on how to apply it. Then I went with him to the pharmacy to help him choose a right skin tone concealer. He purchase like 4 other things to help it go away. We were starving and wanted to eat bbq, so we waited 15 mins until the restaurant opened. While we waited in the car, I applied ice for a few minutes and then rubbed something hard across the hickey. I don’t remember what it was, think it might had been a credit card, or comb. I offered to pay for our brunch since I felt super guilty for causing this huge hickey on his neck. Which didn’t even look like a hickey, it was a line across his neck instead of a spot. We had a good brunch where we fought our hangover and laughed thru it.

At this point, I felt like I wouldn’t see him again even though we were having a good time. It didn’t seem like we had much in common and I didn’t want to date someone who would freak out to that extend over a hickey. Plus I really didn’t think he was interested in me, or attracted to me. I felt older than him, even though he was very successful in his career and spoke as if he was 10 years older than me.

The following days he started hitting me up on snapchat and asking to see me again. I was surprised but thought why not. I wanted to see him but because I was so busy and he was traveling two weeks passed  by and we still hadn’t seen each other again. Then I started seeing someone else who wasn’t as attractive but I had a lot more in common. The new guy knew I wasn’t looking for a relationship and that I was openly dating. Therefore I was still exchanging snapchats with Finance guy and one day he sends me a picture of a close up of his face with his ski helmet. He looked like a different person. So I replied asking him if he gained 10 pounds because he looked like a different person. I was expecting an answer like “Oh I’ve been eating like shit and drinking daily” but instead I got FUCK YOU, I’M SICK. YOU ARE DICK, AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH….Literally super mean, as if he was trying to punch me with his words. I immediately got flashback of my ex husband so I replied with a short response of “Wow” and blocked his ass!!

My message to him was definitely more of a joke than a serious offensive attack, but I understand how it could be taken the wrong way but I don’t think anyone should start cursing at someone in order to defend oneself especially at something so silly.

dating advice

Sometimes when the other person is too good-looking, they think they are the shit and belong on a pedestal. Avoid fuckboys who ask for nudes on snapchat like this loser. Avoid men who call your dogs ugly!!! Avoid men who can’t handle hickeys like real men. Avoid small dicks 😉 and dicks! 

And for those still reading, just know the hickey was pretty much gone the next day. He didn’t have to use make-up to cover it or come up with some lie to explain the bruise line. He also still has my very expensive compact make- up (which I  knew would be a lost once I gave it to him).  Lesson learned!

Fuckboy Story – Johnny Depp 1.2

 

three in car.jpg

ADVENTURE, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND WAKE THE FUCK UP CALL

Like always, out of the blue, Johnny Depp texts me inviting me to come see him in Chicago and go with him to a swinger’s party. He says he’s never been and wants to check it out. I agree to go just to see what it’s all about as a social study researcher. I will not include all the details of this party but will mention the fuckboy parts. It was a 4 hour drive to see Johnny Depp. I spent 2 hours on the phone with another Fuckboy from bumble who seemed very intriguing, intelligent and had a very similar mind structure as mine. I was pumped to get back to my city to meet him but also looking forward to seeing Johnny again. When I get to the house, Johnny is literally in the bathroom. Any other man, I would probably get so grossed out, and want to leave but with him, it’s like I’ve known him forever. He had ordered a lot of different options for Chinese food for me (which was very thoughtful) but he rushed me to eat saying we had to be at the party at 8pm. As I ate my food, he turned to me and said “I have something to tell you but you have to promise not to get crazy man”, I dropped my fork and waited in anticipation with my nerves jumping up and down. He says “I have a girl who I use to hook up with in X state when I use to live there and she’s visiting a friend and wants to see me before she leaves. She also wants to go to this party. Me and her use to have a profile on a site. I promise this isn’t me pushing another threesome, and I promise I won’t sleep with her. Can she come with us?” I WAS FURIOUS! I YELLED AND CURSED HIM OUT IN SPANISH, so many words I don’t even know what I said. Being the nice person I am, I felt bad that this girl wanted to go and my jealously would not let her come. So I said “There’s no fucking way I’m going to be second, so get that straight”, then he replied “Oh baby you won’t, I promise, and I’m not going to sleep with her”. Fifteen minutes later she shows up. MUCH younger than me. Early 20’s, and is dressed like a hippie, in floral dress, with a jean jacket, flat sandals, no make-up and long wavy hair like a flower child would have. I immediately felt less threaten. She was very sweet and friendly. I couldn’t believe I was AGAIN in the same situation sharing my date but this time I had driven 4 hours to see this piece of shit man.

All three of us had never been to this type of party. Let’s just say we were the only hot people there. Most were 35 plus of age, not in shape, and there was very little of people who were somewhat attractive. I won’t bore you with details. I’ll skip to the important parts. The next morning, she left the room to go cry in another. I whispered to Depp, “What’s wrong with her”, nothing had happened. We were sleeping and all of sudden she got up and went to cry. I then learned the next day that it was all a lie.

He had lied to me and her. He made up a story how she was in town for a girlfriend but in reality she had flown in from a different state to spend time with him and go to this party. He made her promise not to tell me and to go with this elaborate story, to the point of dropping her off at the nearest shopping store where she cried in a dressing room out of anger and feeling stuck. She was dropped off by an Uber so it would look like she had not been staying there.

At this point I was angry that I actually believed him but for some reason I understood why he had lied. Knowing me, I would decline and not go at all. At this point I realized his signature move was to be deceitful for his own pleasure. I hated that he didn’t have any consideration for this girl’s feelings. I didn’t tell him I knew until weeks later when he tried to proposed a different situation and wanted to create a profile for both of us. I stopped trusting him, and every word that came out of his mouth. He eventually got really upset with the other girl for telling me. He blocked her from his social media and stopped talking to her. When I tried to talk to him about apologizing to her he refused. We was mad that she had grown feelings and felt hurt at the situation. I think he’s an idiot for his comment but everyone has a right to how they feel. As a man, they think black and white, and for him she had crossed the line in having feelings. Even though she was more hurt how he treated her than feeling jealousy. Who would had known that a fuckboy would stray from emotional women and want a heartless bitch? Lol.

Be a heartless bitch to be happy with a fuckboy, cuz if you aren’t you might end up in a changing room at Goodwill crying your eyes out like this poor girl.

Fuckboy Story – Johnny Depp 1.0

Getting to know Fuckboy #1…

His name is Johnny Depp. I met him on bumble last year. He was one of those guys who captures your attention for being original on his post, not a perv immediately, and steers away from your normal boring conversation of getting to know some one like what do you do for work, how many siblings do you have, etc. He was dressed really casual and I wasn’t really impressed. After our casual beer date, we decided to go check out a dive bar that was recommended to us by a local. I had no plans of drinking heavy but he immediately requested Tequila shots, and drinks. Before I knew it, we were connecting like butter and bread. The way he looked at me, made me melt and he was filled with such contagious energy that we fled into the dance floor and danced the night away. So far this was the most exciting and promising Bumble date I had at this time.

A few days later I invited him over for dinner. It was an evening in November so it was cold. He walked into my house in a leather jacket, with his hair slicked to the side but hanging a little over his face, and all I kept thinking was omg this man must be cold, why is he wearing a leather jacket? For some reason I don’t think leather jackets are warm enough for a bitter winter. We sat at my round dining table, with dimmed lights, and had a deep intellectual conversation. I even think I had classical music playing in the background. We bounced back and forth our thoughts on dating, mating, and relationships. In the middle, we discovered that we both shared the same favorite book which is so rare. For me this was magical. It was one of those weird moments that you want to pinch yourself to see if it was real. This book was Sex At Dawn.

I want to talk a little bit about this book before I continue with my story. This book has mold me into the person I am today. I’m very different to who I was before I got married. I’ve grown so much. I can better understand the psychology of men and women, and why it’s hard to have a long term marriage/relationship with only one person. I understand how jealousy works, and I have learn to accept the truth, which is women co-exist better with other women then men. Cohabitating with the same sex has and is how it is in most of all ancient and indigenous cultures. To me this is so important to know, because I can better understand myself, my needs, and the nature of humankind. I definitely recommend  Sex At Dawn by Dr. Chris Ryan. I could keep going talking about the book in more details but this post isn’t about the book. So I’m going to stop right here and continue my story with Johnny Depp…

The entire night, this stranger who didn’t tell me much about his personal life during our first date, was jumping off his seat telling me stories about his life, his ex girlfriend (aka. who I remind him of (Rolling eyes emoji), his marijuana business, his inability to be attainable,  his ability to like all types of women for different reasons, his experience with women always wanting to feel special therefore never being able to be ok with handling an open relationship. He was in the Navy for many years, and from his stories he was definitely a playboy in his travels with his boys Rolling eyes emoji.  I immediately felt like I had finally met someone on Bumble that looked at sex in a similar way and wasn’t a judgemental and jealous type (which I hate).

A week later as we continued talking via text I realized he hated small talk, he was a bit of a dick, and he was definitely someone that I could not have a loving relationship with. He showed no empathy, and could careless what I did during my week (even though he would disappear for a few days and then text me asking how I was). After a week or two, we both had to travel to Florida. He was in the upper peninsula and I was like 6 hours away. He almost made plans to spend christmas with me and my family (which would had been weird and awkward explaining who the fuck he was). Thank god he decided to visit his family in a nearby state instead. I was already feeling stressed of having to deal with my family and the sleeping situation. Where would he sleep, did I have to rush and buy him a xmas gift? Either way, I recall telling him I was sick, or something and he responding something shitty. I blew up on him and pretty much told him to fuck off.  At this point I was so over this Bumble guy but  the next day he texted me apologizing, using the excuse that he had been drinking and didn’t mean to be so cold with me. Blah, blah, blah. I then returned to winter hell and was planning on spending New Year’s Eve at home alone since I was still trying to get over a cold. To my surprised Johnny Depp had a plan, a sneaky plan, that is pretty much the foreshadowing of who he turned out to be…..

(SEE BLOG JOHNNY DEPP 1.1 for continued story)

Bye Felicia!

Bye Felicia! It was nice knowing you!

The benefits of being older are much greater than one expects them to be. Wisdom is something that you gain through your intuition and your experiences. I think I finally felt wisdom in my own shoes. A few months ago, I used to think I was weak and always was attracted to the bad boy type or the narcissistic asshole. I thought I had issues and that my past controlled my taste in men. I saw bad qualities in men as normal since that’s what I was used to. In other words, I could look past the bad qualities and focus on the good qualities, like their good looks and muscles, maybe their love for dogs, ambition, or confidence.

 

Font The Date

A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date with someone from Bumble. To my surprise, he was so handsome, tall, with dark features, hazel eyes, and looked like a thicker version of James Dean.

James Dean
James Dean

When I say thick I don’t mean fat, just bulkier. Anyways, he was a gentleman, told me if I didn’t mind he was raised to always pay for a lady, which I was impressed to hear since those type of men are disappearing from the dating scenes. We sat at the bar at an Asian inspired restaurant. We drank sake and had one appetizer. To our surprise, the restaurant didn’t serve sushi, which was the main reason we chose the location, so we found ourselves going next door for sushi. I chose a sake and thought he would share mine, instead he asked the waitress which beverage had the least alcohol. I raised my eyebrows to this. I immediately saw red flags go up. We had barely drank at the place before and here he was trying to cut back. I asked what he was concerned about and he mentioned that he did not want to go crazy drinking and he also had to drive. For some reason, I didn’t feel his answer was sincere. I could see a lot of tension that he carried on his shoulders and forehead. I could feel like there was something he was holding back, perhaps a lot, he seemed like he was about to explode with emotions. I mentioned to him what I felt from his body composure and he immediately was taken back and told me that I figured him pretty damn well and he couldn’t understand how I could tell so much. He became very emotional, didn’t cry but I felt he was close. He opened up and told me that he had a lot of bad qualities which he shared in detail and he was still trying to get over a breakup.

 

Ariel crying
Ariel crying

Anyways, later that evening he went outside for a cigarette break, while he was gone I checked my phone and received a nasty unexpected email from my ex-husband (since he had been blocked). There was no real reason why he contacted me but to be hurtful and wished my family and friends all the worst from a present hurricane. He mentioned a bunch of other nasty things that I will not waste time expanding on. It was obvious he was bored and hating his own life because he wrote me from someone else’s email address so he could go past my email blocker. I became immediately emotional, started crying; not because he hurt me but because I felt desperate. Here I was trying to move on with my life, erase him from my life and he still was able to affect me.  Well quickly after, my date returned to our table and found me sad, so of course I had to open up and share what had just occurred. He immediately came over to my side of the booth and put his arms around me where I sobbed a little and we shared a strong emotional connection.

At last I thought I had found a good looking man who was a gentleman and didn’t send me dick pics and actually wanted to spend quality time together (instead of getting drunk and getting crazy). Then as we were leaving, he kissed me and then invited me back to his place. To my surprise, he stopped at a liquor store where he got whatever I wanted and of course I chose tequila, my new go-to drink.  We definitely got drunk, danced a little and sat down and had a deep conversation thanks to me. He told me a lot of things that perhaps he wouldn’t have if I didn’t self-analyze him and confront him with my thoughts. Bottom line: I discovered that he had a lot of issues. He was a chronic smoker, smoked weed a lot, and drank frequently. His home was pretty clean, plain, but homey. His kitchen was spotless and outdated but very clean (aka- obviously he didn’t cook). He also mentioned that he tries not to be a narcissist and that once someone breaks his heart, it’s over and they are dead to him (he might have said this in other words). I immediately felt warned. The house he lived in was small and identical to my ex-boyfriend and I’s from when I was 18. I literally felt I had turned back time and I was sitting home with a man with depression and addictions – someone who obviously didn’t love himself and was disappointed with himself deep inside.

We fell asleep and I went home the next morning. During the car ride, I couldn’t help but feel scared. Scared of myself, my past returning and feeling drawn to this type of man who obviously needs help.  I was scared that I was starting to really like him even though I knew he was an emotional wreck.

Now it was Saturday and I was hungover and didn’t want to do anything but relax. I was bored and so I texted him if he wanted to come visit me since he had mentioned he really wanted to meet my dogs. Well, what I thought was going to be a few hours turned out to be a sleepover (NOT MY IDEA!).  We sat all afternoon in the hammock. I tried to sleep but he just kept getting up non-stop to smoke. I was disgusted. At this point, I was annoyed and I knew there was no way I could be with him. His addiction was too much to handle (he literally would get up and smoke every 15 minutes),  but the more I sat with him I felt more and more comfortable with him. I think I began getting used to him and his bad habits. He also drank beer after beer. Meanwhile, I had none and all I cared to do was sleep and recover. Then it got late, so he went outside to his car and came inside with a plastic grocery bag with things inside.  He said, “I planned on sleeping over so I came prepared. Hope that’s ok.” I was so shocked and thought it was so rude of him to invite himself to sleepover so quickly. This is where another red flag popped up big. What man throws himself so quickly after meeting someone and when it’s not about sex? Wanting to spend quality time with someone comes with time. The more you get to know someone, the more you are able to expand your time with them, but to want to spend all day and night with someone so quickly is a HUGE NO NO! But because I’m a nice person and felt bad, I said sure you can – missing out on a friends jacuzzi party.

Bye Bye Emoji

By this point, I was not impressed by this man sitting in my bed, who was obviously really liking me and wanting to have something special and serious. We went on another date the following week. It took a lot of push for me to go but because we were going to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I couldn’t cancel. Plus I really wanted to give him the chance since it looked like he was willing to put the time and effort in having something serious. But seriously! What was I thinking? He was closed minded, didn’t work out, a heavy smoker, had a beer belly in the making, and watched sports and tv on his spare time, ANNNND….also showed signs of being a narcissist. He was absolutely everything I didn’t want in a man!! But why had I put myself through two weeks of talking to him and accepting going on a second date?  Well, I did and I enjoyed myself on our date. The food was great, the drinks were great, and he looked at me like I was gold. I felt happy. Here’s my advice don’t let the fools gold fool you! RUN FOR THE HILLS THE SECOND YOUR HEART AND MIND TELL YOU THIS ISN’T RIGHT!

We went back to his place, where I learned that a man who smokes and doesn’t work out will never provide good sex. If you have crappy lungs, how can you breathe properly and have stamina? YOU CAN’T! But not only did he suck at performing, his spirit wasn’t there. I was so bored but glad it didn’t last very long. We then shared some quiet time talking and I somehow felt so drawn to him. Well, what I felt was nostalgia. I didn’t know until a few days later.  I was thinking at the time, “Maybe I’m being too judgmental and he might be someone who can make me happy in the long run.” Still wondering WTF I was thinking. Well, I mentioned to him that I was planning to continue seeing other people until I thought what we had was going to be something serious. He mentioned something I don’t recall and I felt bad so I decided to invite him to my house for another night and said he could sleep over. It was obvious he wanted to spend time with me, and it had been a long time since anyone wanted to spend alone time with me in a non-sexual way. Well, he came over and I began to realize I really didn’t have feelings for this man. I was so bored with his presence and I knew we were a terrible match.

The following day I reached out letting him know he had forgotten his charger, etc. I will not continue with the rest of the details of the conversation but bottom line, he exploded on me with an attitude and refused to open up as what friends do. At the same time, I was putting away dishes from dinner. The dishes he had helped wash. Well those damn dishes were freaken dirty af! I immediately told him, that I was done talking to him and we were a bad match. The following day he tried apologizing and blah, blah, blah…The old me from 10 years ago would have accepted his apology and tried to work things out.

bye felicia
Bye Felicia

I realized then that I had succeeded! I had finally broken the chain of narcissistic boyfriends who were judgmental and had evil souls. I told him sorry I was not interested anymore but he fought back via text. He insisted he wouldn’t give up that easily and that we had something special. Blah, blah, blah…..I told him we were not a good match again and that he had a lot of qualities I did not admire. I said Good night and I was on a date.  He responded with something mean and tried to hurt me. So I blocked him.

Moral of the story is that if I hadn’t gone through all those bad experiences with my ex’s, I wouldn’t have the bad feeling “intuition” when I saw those red flags. I would have tried to look past those bad habits and tried to make it work just because he thought I was special. I have learned to care more about how special and valuable I feel rather than how someone else feels about me!

EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A LESSON EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE GOING THRU HELL AT THE MOMENT, LIKE EVERYTHING, IT WILL PASS AND LATER IN LIFE YOU WILL STAND STRONGER THAN BEFORE AND YOU WILL HAVE THE WISDOM TO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES!