Bye Felicia!

Bye Felicia! It was nice knowing you!

The benefits of being older are much greater than one expects them to be. Wisdom is something that you gain through your intuition and your experiences. I think I finally felt wisdom in my own shoes. A few months ago, I used to think I was weak and always was attracted to the bad boy type or the narcissistic asshole. I thought I had issues and that my past controlled my taste in men. I saw bad qualities in men as normal since that’s what I was used to. In other words, I could look past the bad qualities and focus on the good qualities, like their good looks and muscles, maybe their love for dogs, ambition, or confidence.

 

Font The Date

A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date with someone from Bumble. To my surprise, he was so handsome, tall, with dark features, hazel eyes, and looked like a thicker version of James Dean.

James Dean
James Dean

When I say thick I don’t mean fat, just bulkier. Anyways, he was a gentleman, told me if I didn’t mind he was raised to always pay for a lady, which I was impressed to hear since those type of men are disappearing from the dating scenes. We sat at the bar at an Asian inspired restaurant. We drank sake and had one appetizer. To our surprise, the restaurant didn’t serve sushi, which was the main reason we chose the location, so we found ourselves going next door for sushi. I chose a sake and thought he would share mine, instead he asked the waitress which beverage had the least alcohol. I raised my eyebrows to this. I immediately saw red flags go up. We had barely drank at the place before and here he was trying to cut back. I asked what he was concerned about and he mentioned that he did not want to go crazy drinking and he also had to drive. For some reason, I didn’t feel his answer was sincere. I could see a lot of tension that he carried on his shoulders and forehead. I could feel like there was something he was holding back, perhaps a lot, he seemed like he was about to explode with emotions. I mentioned to him what I felt from his body composure and he immediately was taken back and told me that I figured him pretty damn well and he couldn’t understand how I could tell so much. He became very emotional, didn’t cry but I felt he was close. He opened up and told me that he had a lot of bad qualities which he shared in detail and he was still trying to get over a breakup.

 

Ariel crying
Ariel crying

Anyways, later that evening he went outside for a cigarette break, while he was gone I checked my phone and received a nasty unexpected email from my ex-husband (since he had been blocked). There was no real reason why he contacted me but to be hurtful and wished my family and friends all the worst from a present hurricane. He mentioned a bunch of other nasty things that I will not waste time expanding on. It was obvious he was bored and hating his own life because he wrote me from someone else’s email address so he could go past my email blocker. I became immediately emotional, started crying; not because he hurt me but because I felt desperate. Here I was trying to move on with my life, erase him from my life and he still was able to affect me.  Well quickly after, my date returned to our table and found me sad, so of course I had to open up and share what had just occurred. He immediately came over to my side of the booth and put his arms around me where I sobbed a little and we shared a strong emotional connection.

At last I thought I had found a good looking man who was a gentleman and didn’t send me dick pics and actually wanted to spend quality time together (instead of getting drunk and getting crazy). Then as we were leaving, he kissed me and then invited me back to his place. To my surprise, he stopped at a liquor store where he got whatever I wanted and of course I chose tequila, my new go-to drink.  We definitely got drunk, danced a little and sat down and had a deep conversation thanks to me. He told me a lot of things that perhaps he wouldn’t have if I didn’t self-analyze him and confront him with my thoughts. Bottom line: I discovered that he had a lot of issues. He was a chronic smoker, smoked weed a lot, and drank frequently. His home was pretty clean, plain, but homey. His kitchen was spotless and outdated but very clean (aka- obviously he didn’t cook). He also mentioned that he tries not to be a narcissist and that once someone breaks his heart, it’s over and they are dead to him (he might have said this in other words). I immediately felt warned. The house he lived in was small and identical to my ex-boyfriend and I’s from when I was 18. I literally felt I had turned back time and I was sitting home with a man with depression and addictions – someone who obviously didn’t love himself and was disappointed with himself deep inside.

We fell asleep and I went home the next morning. During the car ride, I couldn’t help but feel scared. Scared of myself, my past returning and feeling drawn to this type of man who obviously needs help.  I was scared that I was starting to really like him even though I knew he was an emotional wreck.

Now it was Saturday and I was hungover and didn’t want to do anything but relax. I was bored and so I texted him if he wanted to come visit me since he had mentioned he really wanted to meet my dogs. Well, what I thought was going to be a few hours turned out to be a sleepover (NOT MY IDEA!).  We sat all afternoon in the hammock. I tried to sleep but he just kept getting up non-stop to smoke. I was disgusted. At this point, I was annoyed and I knew there was no way I could be with him. His addiction was too much to handle (he literally would get up and smoke every 15 minutes),  but the more I sat with him I felt more and more comfortable with him. I think I began getting used to him and his bad habits. He also drank beer after beer. Meanwhile, I had none and all I cared to do was sleep and recover. Then it got late, so he went outside to his car and came inside with a plastic grocery bag with things inside.  He said, “I planned on sleeping over so I came prepared. Hope that’s ok.” I was so shocked and thought it was so rude of him to invite himself to sleepover so quickly. This is where another red flag popped up big. What man throws himself so quickly after meeting someone and when it’s not about sex? Wanting to spend quality time with someone comes with time. The more you get to know someone, the more you are able to expand your time with them, but to want to spend all day and night with someone so quickly is a HUGE NO NO! But because I’m a nice person and felt bad, I said sure you can – missing out on a friends jacuzzi party.

Bye Bye Emoji

By this point, I was not impressed by this man sitting in my bed, who was obviously really liking me and wanting to have something special and serious. We went on another date the following week. It took a lot of push for me to go but because we were going to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I couldn’t cancel. Plus I really wanted to give him the chance since it looked like he was willing to put the time and effort in having something serious. But seriously! What was I thinking? He was closed minded, didn’t work out, a heavy smoker, had a beer belly in the making, and watched sports and tv on his spare time, ANNNND….also showed signs of being a narcissist. He was absolutely everything I didn’t want in a man!! But why had I put myself through two weeks of talking to him and accepting going on a second date?  Well, I did and I enjoyed myself on our date. The food was great, the drinks were great, and he looked at me like I was gold. I felt happy. Here’s my advice don’t let the fools gold fool you! RUN FOR THE HILLS THE SECOND YOUR HEART AND MIND TELL YOU THIS ISN’T RIGHT!

We went back to his place, where I learned that a man who smokes and doesn’t work out will never provide good sex. If you have crappy lungs, how can you breathe properly and have stamina? YOU CAN’T! But not only did he suck at performing, his spirit wasn’t there. I was so bored but glad it didn’t last very long. We then shared some quiet time talking and I somehow felt so drawn to him. Well, what I felt was nostalgia. I didn’t know until a few days later.  I was thinking at the time, “Maybe I’m being too judgmental and he might be someone who can make me happy in the long run.” Still wondering WTF I was thinking. Well, I mentioned to him that I was planning to continue seeing other people until I thought what we had was going to be something serious. He mentioned something I don’t recall and I felt bad so I decided to invite him to my house for another night and said he could sleep over. It was obvious he wanted to spend time with me, and it had been a long time since anyone wanted to spend alone time with me in a non-sexual way. Well, he came over and I began to realize I really didn’t have feelings for this man. I was so bored with his presence and I knew we were a terrible match.

The following day I reached out letting him know he had forgotten his charger, etc. I will not continue with the rest of the details of the conversation but bottom line, he exploded on me with an attitude and refused to open up as what friends do. At the same time, I was putting away dishes from dinner. The dishes he had helped wash. Well those damn dishes were freaken dirty af! I immediately told him, that I was done talking to him and we were a bad match. The following day he tried apologizing and blah, blah, blah…The old me from 10 years ago would have accepted his apology and tried to work things out.

bye felicia
Bye Felicia

I realized then that I had succeeded! I had finally broken the chain of narcissistic boyfriends who were judgmental and had evil souls. I told him sorry I was not interested anymore but he fought back via text. He insisted he wouldn’t give up that easily and that we had something special. Blah, blah, blah…..I told him we were not a good match again and that he had a lot of qualities I did not admire. I said Good night and I was on a date.  He responded with something mean and tried to hurt me. So I blocked him.

Moral of the story is that if I hadn’t gone through all those bad experiences with my ex’s, I wouldn’t have the bad feeling “intuition” when I saw those red flags. I would have tried to look past those bad habits and tried to make it work just because he thought I was special. I have learned to care more about how special and valuable I feel rather than how someone else feels about me!

EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A LESSON EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE GOING THRU HELL AT THE MOMENT, LIKE EVERYTHING, IT WILL PASS AND LATER IN LIFE YOU WILL STAND STRONGER THAN BEFORE AND YOU WILL HAVE THE WISDOM TO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES!

 

Dinner Talk with a Fuckboy

When a Fuckboy Ex Lover Takes Me out to Dinner…..

It’s not often I get the luxury visit from my all time favorite fuckboy. Not cuz he’s good at fucking but because he makes every minute with him worth while. He radiates with happiness, good humor, sex talk, intellectual conversation, and pretty much reminds me of myself. This video definitely doesn’t show the good side of him or the good humor.

At this point I have discovered he is definitely not for me for the long run, or even short term. He’s just someone I enjoy talking to and sharing time with. We have a similar approach to life and share similar theories and believes. Here’s a clip from our dinner conversation where he’s sharing how he fuck hates, or hate fucks, (whatever it’s called) to his baby’s momma. I  had asked him why he doesn’t marry his baby’s momma and he proceeded to tell me how he can’t stand her. She visited him from the other side of the world for the first time and  stayed with him for a little bit, maybe 2-3 weeks and this is how he reacted when I asked him. Please note I don’t agree with what comes out of his mouth. I think true hate, creates disgust nor do I commend any violence or desires of violence. Post this video, he spoke about pheromones and how he thought that was the only way and reason why his body reacts so intense to her sexually.

Dinner talk with fuckboy on Vimeo.

 

JEALOUSY AND CHEATING

Why happy couples cheat and why are we so jealous?

Whether you are married or dating,  people find it so hard to stay faithful. I have witness all sorts of people wanting to cheat or actually cheating. I would estimate  from personal experience about 5% of men don’t cheat on their mates, while probably 85% of women wouldn’t cheat on their spouse. But now a days what is considered cheating?  There’s online porn, sexting, online dating apps, massage parlors, grinning at the club, so many ways some couples might consider cheating. I was once told cheating is doing something you wouldn’t do in front of your partner, but does that really stand now a days? I personally believe there shouldn’t be walls or restrictions between couples. All fantasies and dirty thoughts should be shared but not all people share the same openmindness I have. People tend to be possessive, controlling, and of course we all know the big one JEALOUSY!! My thoughts are it boils down to self-esteem and confidence.  

pretty girl on tv
Weather girl Yanet Garcia

If you are worried that your suppose is wandering off looking for someone else to replace you, or you are getting all hissy fit that your partner is staring at someone else who’s very good looking in the room, tv, or online, all it really says is that you have ZERO CONFIDENCE in yourself and in your relationship!!! Now there are people who will cheat and their suppose is confident in themselves and in their relationship but I believe  those cheat strictly for the release and not the emotional exchanges that can come about in love affairs. I will discuss the difference in cheating for love and for sex on a different post (Future post: How to know the difference between cheating for love and sex, and How you can avoid one!)

We are humans, aka animals, we have natural instincts to be aroused and want sex. The key is control. ANNNND remember the difference between sex and love.  If you are in a relationship, most likely you are with them because you LOVE each other, it’s more than just sex, it’s sooo much more than just sex!!

https://giphy.com/embed/13LsbhW8N4TVrG

via GIPHY

Don’t feel threaten! Instead join your partner in admiring what they are drooling over! Remember you are on each other’s side! Join your partner in his/her arousal and make it your own. I think this is the point in your relationship where you either push each other away or get closer. If you try to control your partner, it will only make you look less attractive, and make them feel suffocated, and push them to feeling the need to hide their feelings, desires, thoughts, aka fantasies from you. Don’t create walls in your relationship by letting your insecurities take over your temperament. Don’t create fights over silly things! Life is too short to get jealous over something that is so natural to being human.

You might ask what does this have to do with cheating? Well it’s the start! Once you have made your partner know of your insecurities, you have made them more reciprocal to being attracted to other confident women.  Remember to be your partner’s best friend, someone who doesn’t judge but listens.

Honesty creates trust, trust creates union, and union is what keeps you on the same side of the net.

Here’s a great video on Why Happy Couples Cheat!!

 

 

Can You Have a Relationship with a Fuckboy?

Can you truly have a relationship with a fuckboy? I don’t know. I ask myself this tonight, while I laid next to a man who I find very similar to myself in someways but who I also can’t stand for how they feel about women. Have you ever met a man so charming, handsome, fun, so perfect that when you are with him, you feel special, you feel like you want to be with them regardless of the bullshit? He sings songs out of the blue, brightens your time during your date, he dances with you until closing time, he cooks for you, he cleans the house why you are gone, he’s adventurous in bed and he’s intellectual! How can one person be all these wonder things and also want to sleep with 30 other women? Ok, maybe not 30 but you get the drift.

From all the research I have done, all the podcast I have listened to, all the men I’ve met, I’m not afraid of sharing. I’m not against knowing that my partner will be aroused by another woman, there are much larger problems a relationship can have than sharing someone sexually. Sex is sex. Cheating is a different story. Cheating is lying and being deceitful. Something I’m highly against. Having an open relationship, is having a relationship with your best friend, someone you can share anything and everything without judgement. So If I can become best friends with this fuckboy, could I be happy? Could we be happy? Am i delusional?

I think we are living on the time when monogamy is dead. We no longer are getting married for money, or stability. Women have been able to support themselves. Why do we need to be in a relationship with one person forever? I agree if you want to make a family you probably should be with that person forever or until your children are grown but what if you don’t want children, what if you don’t want to get married, all you want is a partner, a friend, a companion? Can a fuckboy be this if you come to the agreement of having an open relationship? Could it work in the long term? A relationship based on truth, honesty, and passion to me is a remedy for a healthy long relationship? But what are the risks? Like in any relationship there are always risks. One of the biggest concerns with me would be the increased probability in STD’s.  But if we didn’t have to worry about that, could more people be driven and desire OPEN RELATIONSHIPS? I believe so, I think naturally we wouldn’t mind more than one partner but social norms have made it into this 1:1 ratio.

I think it’s about honesty and trust……..if you have those things anything is possible but without it you are better off being alone than in a relationship with a fuckboy.fuckboy couple.jpg

 

Fuckboy 101: How to identify a fuckboy — The Fine Oyinbo

My first love was a fuckboy. If you know any psychology, you would see how this screwed my mind. I was naive and eager at that time. Apparently, he knew that and used it to his advantage. So he dished out his crap and I lapped it all up with hearts in my eyes. And […]

via Fuckboy 101: How to identify a fuckboy — The Fine Oyinbo

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!!! We are tired of online dating scene!

 

The truth is we are all tired of online dating scene! We are in our 30’s and it seems like men now a days are too shy to come talk to you unlike how it was in our in our 20’s. Either people have forgotten how to flirt in public or the men in our age group are going for the 20 year olds. My single girlfriends miss getting a bunch of numbers at the bar or club. Take me back to the early 2000’s!! ?

text message from girlfriend expressing missing the club dating scene

 

From listening to other women talk, and also from how I have felt at the bar myself, it’s intimidating talking to strangers because you don’t know if they have a girlfriend or are just not interested in you. Even though some long stares are shared, it seems like no one has the courage to start a conversation. The fact that there’s lessons and books on how to do this is mind blowing. Why do we need instructions for something that should be so natural and instinct driven? How have we lost this ability to meet strangers? Our addictions of staring into our phones and swiping is taken away our human interaction skill, making it much harder to meet new people out at bars. The same person you would swipe right for could be sitting at the bar but you won’t dare to talk to them. The more technology increases, the less our community building skills decrease.

I’m here to tell you don’t be scared of shaking that booty on someone.  Don’t be scared to accidentally drop your napkin (keys, whatever you have in your hand) in front of the cute guy to help start a connection! Don’t be afraid to ask him to pass you a straw or mentioned how crazy busy it is that night. Make him/her know you are interested with little sips of interest! Remember to flirt like you were 21! Confidence is the most sexy quality a person can have! You can do it!