What does it mean to be alone aka single and happy in the 21st century? Well let me paint you a picture. It means you get to come home to no expectations, to no demands, to no plans, to be welcomed by your dogs who adore you from head to toe, who love you unconditionally, who don’t judge you, who listen, who keeps you warm inside and out, who make you feel safe, who give you a push when you need it and are always happy to be with you. I think the moment we learn to love ourselves more than anyone else we can learn to enjoy life as our OWN, and not as someone else’s. Cheers to being ALONE AND HAPPY!
As a human, a female human, I realize women suck. That’s right, I said it! Men are pretty simple. They want sex, food, and sleep. Women, we want it to look like A, taste like B, and feel like C. We go from one extreme to the other. One minute we want a man who’s going to make it worth it in the bedroom, the next we want a husband figure who’s going to keep us interested past the sex and help you with housework (you can blame mother nature and our hormones for that).
This past week I feel like I got a first row ticket to my own drama that lacked the bloody ending but kept me in the shadow from knowing why I was acting the way I was. I went from having one of the best sex in my life with someone who I would see every three days to not caring at all about sex, nor about anyone else except myself. Our every three day schedule disappeared this past week. We saw each other Sunday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The only alone days I had was Monday and Thursday. I didn’t get to do anything on my To Do list, and I had missed the gym several times, not to mention missed on the opportunity to write on the blog. I didn’t know it until today (the following week) that I was feeling suffocated. This man who I’m seeing is the nicest guy! So sweet, so understanding, open minded, supportive, and easy going. One of my favorite things about him or us, is that we just laugh so much at the stupidest things. We don’t have much in common but we are constantly laughing and enjoying the present. He told me this Sunday that he felt I was distant for a few days now. I think I felt it too but didn’t know I was doing such thing, nor that it had a face. When asked what was going on, I got a flashback to the feelings I felt towards the last Fuckboy in my life (someone who I had shared my space with and saw more regularly). I felt like even though he was a fuckboy, he made me feel free in my own home and our time together felt right.
Here I was comparing cuddling watching a series with my new boo to sitting next to a Fuckboy who read his book, while I read mine. Why was I happier with this Fuckboy who didn’t and doesn’t deserve me? How could something much colder and distant feel more right? The reality is that I’ve discovered that I’m happier alone. I’m happier doing me. I love reading, I never have enough time to read, and by him reading, it gave me the chance to also read. Sounds like a bad excuse but in my eyes it’s a shared valuable time. I don’t need to be held all night to feel special. I get that from my dogs. I get all the kisses and cuddles from them, why do I need it from a human? Some people really do but I think I’m more of a giver than a receiver. I rather give affection, then receive it in physical touch. This is how self-love looks like being alone and happy.
When you realize you prefer to be alone, to work on yourself rather than play boyfriend and girlfriend is the moment you know you need to focus more on yourself to reach satisfaction and goals. In this time of age, do we even have time to be lonely and feel lonely? From having house chores, social media, memes, texting, reddit, blogging, tv series, podcast, hobbies, social invites, gym, cooking, pets, etc….how in the world do we find time to even date working 40 hours a week and working on yourself? The thick cloud filled with baby making thoughts and family plans that hovers over most people doesn’t float over me. Perhaps that’s the difference between you and me. You have this expectation that it should be like this or look like this by this certain time and date but I don’t. Therefore the equation is completed by x= me, making me feel happy being single! Stop having expectations and you too will find being alone and happy a possible thing!
The benefits of being older are much greater than one expects them to be. Wisdom is something that you gain through your intuition and your experiences. I think I finally felt wisdom in my own shoes. A few months ago, I used to think I was weak and always was attracted to the bad boy type or the narcissistic asshole. I thought I had issues and that my past controlled my taste in men. I saw bad qualities in men as normal since that’s what I was used to. In other words, I could look past the bad qualities and focus on the good qualities, like their good looks and muscles, maybe their love for dogs, ambition, or confidence.
A couple of weeks ago, I went on a date with someone from Bumble. To my surprise, he was so handsome, tall, with dark features, hazel eyes, and looked like a thicker version of James Dean.
When I say thick I don’t mean fat, just bulkier. Anyways, he was a gentleman, told me if I didn’t mind he was raised to always pay for a lady, which I was impressed to hear since those type of men are disappearing from the dating scenes. We sat at the bar at an Asian inspired restaurant. We drank sake and had one appetizer. To our surprise, the restaurant didn’t serve sushi, which was the main reason we chose the location, so we found ourselves going next door for sushi. I chose a sake and thought he would share mine, instead he asked the waitress which beverage had the least alcohol. I raised my eyebrows to this. I immediately saw red flags go up. We had barely drank at the place before and here he was trying to cut back. I asked what he was concerned about and he mentioned that he did not want to go crazy drinking and he also had to drive. For some reason, I didn’t feel his answer was sincere. I could see a lot of tension that he carried on his shoulders and forehead. I could feel like there was something he was holding back, perhaps a lot, he seemed like he was about to explode with emotions. I mentioned to him what I felt from his body composure and he immediately was taken back and told me that I figured him pretty damn well and he couldn’t understand how I could tell so much. He became very emotional, didn’t cry but I felt he was close. He opened up and told me that he had a lot of bad qualities which he shared in detail and he was still trying to get over a breakup.
Anyways, later that evening he went outside for a cigarette break, while he was gone I checked my phone and received a nasty unexpected email from my ex-husband (since he had been blocked). There was no real reason why he contacted me but to be hurtful and wished my family and friends all the worst from a present hurricane. He mentioned a bunch of other nasty things that I will not waste time expanding on. It was obvious he was bored and hating his own life because he wrote me from someone else’s email address so he could go past my email blocker. I became immediately emotional, started crying; not because he hurt me but because I felt desperate. Here I was trying to move on with my life, erase him from my life and he still was able to affect me. Well quickly after, my date returned to our table and found me sad, so of course I had to open up and share what had just occurred. He immediately came over to my side of the booth and put his arms around me where I sobbed a little and we shared a strong emotional connection.
At last I thought I had found a good looking man who was a gentleman and didn’t send me dick pics and actually wanted to spend quality time together (instead of getting drunk and getting crazy). Then as we were leaving, he kissed me and then invited me back to his place. To my surprise, he stopped at a liquor store where he got whatever I wanted and of course I chose tequila, my new go-to drink. We definitely got drunk, danced a little and sat down and had a deep conversation thanks to me. He told me a lot of things that perhaps he wouldn’t have if I didn’t self-analyze him and confront him with my thoughts. Bottom line: I discovered that he had a lot of issues. He was a chronic smoker, smoked weed a lot, and drank frequently. His home was pretty clean, plain, but homey. His kitchen was spotless and outdated but very clean (aka- obviously he didn’t cook). He also mentioned that he tries not to be a narcissist and that once someone breaks his heart, it’s over and they are dead to him (he might have said this in other words). I immediately felt warned. The house he lived in was small and identical to my ex-boyfriend and I’s from when I was 18. I literally felt I had turned back time and I was sitting home with a man with depression and addictions – someone who obviously didn’t love himself and was disappointed with himself deep inside.
We fell asleep and I went home the next morning. During the car ride, I couldn’t help but feel scared. Scared of myself, my past returning and feeling drawn to this type of man who obviously needs help. I was scared that I was starting to really like him even though I knew he was an emotional wreck.
Now it was Saturday and I was hungover and didn’t want to do anything but relax. I was bored and so I texted him if he wanted to come visit me since he had mentioned he really wanted to meet my dogs. Well, what I thought was going to be a few hours turned out to be a sleepover (NOT MY IDEA!). We sat all afternoon in the hammock. I tried to sleep but he just kept getting up non-stop to smoke. I was disgusted. At this point, I was annoyed and I knew there was no way I could be with him. His addiction was too much to handle (he literally would get up and smoke every 15 minutes), but the more I sat with him I felt more and more comfortable with him. I think I began getting used to him and his bad habits. He also drank beer after beer. Meanwhile, I had none and all I cared to do was sleep and recover. Then it got late, so he went outside to his car and came inside with a plastic grocery bag with things inside. He said, “I planned on sleeping over so I came prepared. Hope that’s ok.” I was so shocked and thought it was so rude of him to invite himself to sleepover so quickly. This is where another red flag popped up big. What man throws himself so quickly after meeting someone and when it’s not about sex? Wanting to spend quality time with someone comes with time. The more you get to know someone, the more you are able to expand your time with them, but to want to spend all day and night with someone so quickly is a HUGE NO NO! But because I’m a nice person and felt bad, I said sure you can – missing out on a friends jacuzzi party.
By this point, I was not impressed by this man sitting in my bed, who was obviously really liking me and wanting to have something special and serious. We went on another date the following week. It took a lot of push for me to go but because we were going to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I couldn’t cancel. Plus I really wanted to give him the chance since it looked like he was willing to put the time and effort in having something serious. But seriously! What was I thinking? He was closed minded, didn’t work out, a heavy smoker, had a beer belly in the making, and watched sports and tv on his spare time, ANNNND….also showed signs of being a narcissist. He was absolutely everything I didn’t want in a man!! But why had I put myself through two weeks of talking to him and accepting going on a second date? Well, I did and I enjoyed myself on our date. The food was great, the drinks were great, and he looked at me like I was gold. I felt happy. Here’s my advice don’t let the fools gold fool you! RUN FOR THE HILLS THE SECOND YOUR HEART AND MIND TELL YOU THIS ISN’T RIGHT!
We went back to his place, where I learned that a man who smokes and doesn’t work out will never provide good sex. If you have crappy lungs, how can you breathe properly and have stamina? YOU CAN’T! But not only did he suck at performing, his spirit wasn’t there. I was so bored but glad it didn’t last very long. We then shared some quiet time talking and I somehow felt so drawn to him. Well, what I felt was nostalgia. I didn’t know until a few days later. I was thinking at the time, “Maybe I’m being too judgmental and he might be someone who can make me happy in the long run.” Still wondering WTF I was thinking. Well, I mentioned to him that I was planning to continue seeing other people until I thought what we had was going to be something serious. He mentioned something I don’t recall and I felt bad so I decided to invite him to my house for another night and said he could sleep over. It was obvious he wanted to spend time with me, and it had been a long time since anyone wanted to spend alone time with me in a non-sexual way. Well, he came over and I began to realize I really didn’t have feelings for this man. I was so bored with his presence and I knew we were a terrible match.
The following day I reached out letting him know he had forgotten his charger, etc. I will not continue with the rest of the details of the conversation but bottom line, he exploded on me with an attitude and refused to open up as what friends do. At the same time, I was putting away dishes from dinner. The dishes he had helped wash. Well those damn dishes were freaken dirty af! I immediately told him, that I was done talking to him and we were a bad match. The following day he tried apologizing and blah, blah, blah…The old me from 10 years ago would have accepted his apology and tried to work things out.
I realized then that I had succeeded! I had finally broken the chain of narcissistic boyfriends who were judgmental and had evil souls. I told him sorry I was not interested anymore but he fought back via text. He insisted he wouldn’t give up that easily and that we had something special. Blah, blah, blah…..I told him we were not a good match again and that he had a lot of qualities I did not admire. I said Good night and I was on a date. He responded with something mean and tried to hurt me. So I blocked him.
Moral of the story is that if I hadn’t gone through all those bad experiences with my ex’s, I wouldn’t have the bad feeling “intuition” when I saw those red flags. I would have tried to look past those bad habits and tried to make it work just because he thought I was special. I have learned to care more about how special and valuable I feel rather than how someone else feels about me!
EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A LESSON EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE GOING THRU HELL AT THE MOMENT, LIKE EVERYTHING, IT WILL PASS AND LATER IN LIFE YOU WILL STAND STRONGER THAN BEFORE AND YOU WILL HAVE THE WISDOM TO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES!
Can you truly have a relationship with a fuckboy? I don’t know. I ask myself this tonight, while I laid next to a man who I find very similar to myself in someways but who I also can’t stand for how they feel about women. Have you ever met a man so charming, handsome, fun, so perfect that when you are with him, you feel special, you feel like you want to be with them regardless of the bullshit? He sings songs out of the blue, brightens your time during your date, he dances with you until closing time, he cooks for you, he cleans the house why you are gone, he’s adventurous in bed and he’s intellectual! How can one person be all these wonder things and also want to sleep with 30 other women? Ok, maybe not 30 but you get the drift.
From all the research I have done, all the podcast I have listened to, all the men I’ve met, I’m not afraid of sharing. I’m not against knowing that my partner will be aroused by another woman, there are much larger problems a relationship can have than sharing someone sexually. Sex is sex. Cheating is a different story. Cheating is lying and being deceitful. Something I’m highly against. Having an open relationship, is having a relationship with your best friend, someone you can share anything and everything without judgement. So If I can become best friends with this fuckboy, could I be happy? Could we be happy? Am i delusional?
I think we are living on the time when monogamy is dead. We no longer are getting married for money, or stability. Women have been able to support themselves. Why do we need to be in a relationship with one person forever? I agree if you want to make a family you probably should be with that person forever or until your children are grown but what if you don’t want children, what if you don’t want to get married, all you want is a partner, a friend, a companion? Can a fuckboy be this if you come to the agreement of having an open relationship? Could it work in the long term? A relationship based on truth, honesty, and passion to me is a remedy for a healthy long relationship? But what are the risks? Like in any relationship there are always risks. One of the biggest concerns with me would be the increased probability in STD’s. But if we didn’t have to worry about that, could more people be driven and desire OPEN RELATIONSHIPS? I believe so, I think naturally we wouldn’t mind more than one partner but social norms have made it into this 1:1 ratio.
I think it’s about honesty and trust……..if you have those things anything is possible but without it you are better off being alone than in a relationship with a fuckboy.
My first love was a fuckboy. If you know any psychology, you would see how this screwed my mind. I was naive and eager at that time. Apparently, he knew that and used it to his advantage. So he dished out his crap and I lapped it all up with hearts in my eyes. And […]