It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and taken time to recollect lessons learned this past year. Perhaps it’s because I’ve needed time to heal from having my heart squeezed like an orange for juice. Maybe I didn’t want to admit that I had put down my guard. I had become hopeful for a loving relationship to blossom, but instead got knocked down to my knees a couple of times. But it’s ok, I picked myself up and here I am, still in one piece. We tend to feel stupid after it’s all done and over as if we should have known. But could we know prior of getting hurt that whatever is flourishing is doomed? How soon can we see the signs, what are the signs, and when is it too soon to pull the plug?
Quick background on date #33
….just kidding there hasn’t been THAT many. So I met him on Hinge last fall. It was my first date on that app. I had been reluctant to download it but finally gave in. To my surprise I found the quality of men was more sophisticated. I matched with someone from a different culture who I’d never dated before. We knew the same people from the local art world which I thought was cool and felt comfortable with. We both shared an interest for art and cooking. He had all the qualities I admired; focus, determination, cultured, ambition, creativity, and he was chivalrous. I was getting really excited the more I got to know him over messaging. So one day I invited him to my friends art show. It felt very natural. We both were able to socialize separate and then reunited and shared space. It was truly really nice. To be away from everyone, I decided to take him to a show at a place he hadn’t ever been. We got there right when they were about to close but we had enough time to really share some intimate time and get a real sense for one another. That followed with dinner with friends at a place where he knew the owners. The food was excellent and then we met up with more friends of mine at a club. It was an over all amazing night. We really clicked and you could feel the spark. We kissed lightly good night when he walked me to my car. We both went our separate ways.
Now time for the first missed RED FLAG….The next day he expressed interest to see me again. Which to me is ALWAYS too soon. I let my guard down and accepted, and invited him over my house! This is where I cover my eyes in pure embarrassment. I should know better by now.
Seeing each other within 1-2 days from your first date is a BIG NO NO! This is a sign of unhealthy attachment. RED FLAG #1.
One Sunday morning after he had been to my house, he messaged he needed to talk to me. He was trying to be super transparent and told me he didn’t see his future with dogs nor with living with anyone. That he sees his future very minimalist which was completely contrasting with who I am. He said since I had described what my long term relationship looked like was a living situation he didn’t think we could continue dating. So after talking more about what he was feeling and my expectations, I explained that I would be fine with being friends with benefits. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend and thought we had a lot in common and it was silly to let something so far from now stop our friendship from growing. I was really trying to keep him in my life. He agreed and apologized for overthinking things. Not going with what I wanted and instead what I thought was what he wanted was not healthy.
Compromising before you even start a relationship, going against your own desires for the comfort of someone else is a BIG NO NO. RED FLAG #2.
Then one day he expressed that he had issues with his sexuality and he was too sexual when he was near me or even talked to me on the phone. He said once again he didn’t think we could continue our connection. I recommended him to go see a therapist. His upbringing and childhood shame around sex was intensifying his sexuality to an unhealthy point. This was another red flag that I refused to accept as an issue, instead tried to justify it with the fact he hadn’t had sex in two years. For a month he treated me like I was very special. He was very thoughtful and would bring me things I would enjoy, he was my person day, noon, evening and night. We were talking all the time. I was really happy and excited. But…
when someone is making excuses to not have something serious with you so early in the relationship, listen! RED FLAG #3.
Then finally the straw that broke the camel’s back was when he tried to pull out from an invitation he had already given me. He tried to come out with some lame excuse that it was too soon to mix his business with people he was just starting to date. I agreed but explained that it was he who had invited me. Then after talking more, he came clean and said his parents were coming to the event and he didn’t want to introduce me. I said, that’s fine, I also thought it was too soon to meet them, nor did I want or need to meet them. But that wasn’t enough, when I said he could introduce me as a friend he rejected that idea, said he doesn’t have friends and he’s never introduced any friends to his parents. It was like all the other road blocks he had created. But this time, he went deeper and said he didn’t want his parents finding my art page online. So basically he didn’t have the intellectual capability to talk about my sexual art when the time would come, nor did he even think about solutions to get around that. It was very hurtful, sad, and cowardly of him. He then also confessed he chose to date me because I was so comfortable with my sexuality and he strived to learn to be like that but apparently he was not ready at all. That afternoon I realized I was dating a child and someone with some real deep issues. I regret opening my heart and life to him so quickly.
If someone doesn’t have friends, RED FLAG #4.
If someone needs their parents approval for friends, RED FLAG #5.
After all was said and done, I regret not seeing the first signs. So please listen- If within the first week of talking they are already creating excuses to why it might not work in the future, WALK AWAY. We want BIG DADDY ENERGY, not coward chickens. We want that man who’s going to be proud to have you by their side, who will protect you from any bullshit coming towards you, we want a person who is willing to fight for you and your love, not run away from it. When someone loves you for the right reasons it overcast any other insecurities or doubts someone has. That’s when you know they truly love you for you and nothing else.
Choose wisely who you give your heart to, take your time in a relationship, and walk away when they start creating excuses.