It’s very rare for me to break down and cry. I normally don’t let anything near me touch me. I built my shell just like the crab in the cancer horoscope sign. My vulnerability side doesn’t really come out, instead a nurturing and strong front is carried on the exterior but tonight all the sad feelings are coming through. One disappointment in a friendship triggered feelings of abandonment and sadness. And just like that, I felt this tumbleweed of pure sadness build up deep inside of me. All of sudden my mind started thinking of broken relationships from 10 years ago, the feeling of being alone, the feeling of being left behind, overall the feeling of feeling hurt again. It’s not often I feel hurt but seems like sadness works like trauma.
One event tonight triggered other similar events in my lifetime, and within five minutes I felt empty, guilty, without knowing why, and a deep sadness. Endings hurt and that includes deaths. It is something that steals from us. It takes the ones we love without asking, without questioning the future or present. Death is the darkest moment we can feel. And just like deaths, are endings. Endings of friendships, endings of relationships. All of sudden your mind bulks all together all the times it felt pain during those endings and those deaths. I always try to live life unattached. I’ve learned nothing is forever and no sense to feel anchored to anything or anyone but sometimes this leaves me feeling empty, with no one to rely on, or count on. Tonights’ feelings are proof that I do hold people close to my heart even though I try not.
How can we avoid feeling sadness from what was and won’t be anymore? I don’t have an answer instead think it’s impossible to avoid sadness if we once truly cared for what was once. Tonight my tears felt like growing pains. It’s so hard to accept life when we have no other option other than accept the changes. The growth of learning to live life without those people or pets, or whatever was and no longer is. When we love someone, they take such a presence in our heart, that when they leave us, it’s so hard to not feel a deep pain in our hearts without feeling empty. What is the purpose of feeling sad? What is the evolution reason for this occurrence in the human sapien being? I truly don’t know but know that tonight sadness made me feel human, it reminded me what feelings felt like, it reminded me what sadness felt like, and it reminded me that I’m human and being sad is part of it. It made me feel more alive, yet also like dying. It reminded me of all the good feels and then reminded me of the empty hole those endings left behind. We are no one to question the life experiences we have been part of as it’s our journey to reach our own enlightenment. Being sad definitely feels part of that learning experience we are suppose to have. So tonight I encourage you to not put your sadness in your pocket or hide it in a closet, instead let it be free, let it roam alive, let it run free without fear that you are weak; it will make you feel more alive, more human, you will feel lost, but then found.
Salty Melons 