In our busy day to day lives our time is very valuable. Especially for women in their thirties and up. By this age we’ve established running a household, having a stable demanding job, and a bouncing a busy social calendar sprinkled with self love duties and health conscious decisions. Dating is exhausting and many of us are tired of being disappointed, especially after we meet someone amazing that we get along with perfectly but they don’t want a relationship with you. You then find yourself accepting the title friends with benefits. Is it healthy to accept these friendships?
Friends with benefits has become the pacifier to our libidos and broken hearts. It’s where we spend the little time we do have with someone we genuinely cherish and accept the little commitment they offer. Some times it’s us who doesn’t want a relationship with them but regardless who does or doesn’t, we are accepting less of what we want in our lives for the sake of sex and good conversation. And this is where it’s important for us to understand the difference between a hook up friend and friends with benefits.
Anyone might think a person who you mostly hook up with on occasion would be a friend with benefits but that’s not the case. The term having a booty call could be used in this situation. If your time together is mostly hooking up, that’s definitely not friends with benefits. Let’s look at this with percentages. If you spend four hours together and 25% of your time is hooking up and the 75% is just hanging out as friends, you can call it friends with benefits. If your time with your friend is two hours and 50% of the time you are drinking so you feel more comfortable in the sheets, then most likely it’s just a booty call. Breaking down your time spent helps identify our investments and the direction where we are heading in life. Some times we need clarity from friends to help us see a different perspective and the time we spend with friends is a good investment in our future and mental health. If you have come to terms there is no future for a serious monogamous relationship perhaps killing two birds with one stone could be beneficial. Feeding our libidos with orgasms and pleasure while also feeding our minds is healthy for the body. But like everything else, nothing good is easy. You must have boundaries, rules, and zero expectations to be able to have a healthy experience.
Important Rules To Have
Do not fall in love with your friend who has made it clear they don’t want a relationship with you. Now how do you NOT fall in love with your friend with benefits?
Continue to date other people, never stop your life or give priority to your friend with benefits.
Don’t get attach. You don’t own them. They don’t own you. Same thing goes in a standard relationship. As love is a verb, an action. Not an object you hold.
Always be present with your friend. Never think about the future or the past, or what if. Enjoy your present, each second with them.
Don’t have expectations for anything. Again, live in the present.
Always be honest and transparent with them.
Now, the bad things about Friends With Benefits:
The standards you have are even higher now with a FWB in your life. This means anyone you meet must surpass the level of intimacy and connection you have established with your friend with benefits. You also now have to juggle the little time you have with your FWB person, dating and every thing else. As well as increasing your risk for anything related to sex as you are sharing a person who might also be engaging in sexual activity with others (this doesn’t apply to all and is something you can arrange to be 1:1 ratio). This is why it’s very important to be completely transparent and always practice safe sex.
Eventually you will meet someone who is also interested in having a serious relationship and you will have to end your sexual friendship with your FWB person. This will be a requirement in order to thrive in your new relationship. You will have to make space and time for it to flourish. It will require your energy. Think of it like riding a pony machine. In order for it to keep going you must keep putting money in it, in this case, money is time and heart. We all don’t all have all the money to keep riding the pony, so gather your coins and spend them wisely. Don’t waste it on people who don’t invest it back in you or make your time worth while.