As soon as I got divorced years ago I made a list. That’s what all the blog posts said to do, that’s what the books said to do, even the podcast peeps. Over the years that list has changed slightly. Most of the features on my list have been physical attributes or skills. Before I was dreaming about dating a career driven individual with handy skills, someone who loved art as much as me, was athletic, and would cook me a delicious meal. I know, I sound like a spoiled brat. They must love dogs and dreamed of beautiful luscious wavy hair; had to be taller than 6′ or close to it, and family oriented. And the list went on.
As the years have passed, I’ve realized a lot of things on my list weren’t necessary. Handyman skilled individuals lacked in the conceptual thinking department and didn’t know anything about art nor anything cultural, nor really had the interest to do so. Those men who were great at cooking had high expectations in the kitchen, they made me feel a little intimidated with my own cooking. You know what they say Too many cooks in the kitchen is not a good combination.
Even when I met my ex husband, he looked like exactly someone I would never date. He was HUGE, scary looking, and had the biggest square head you can find. Lol. He was your typical body builder figure. The second time I saw him, I literally hide inside the boat and told my girlfriend to let me know when he was gone so I could come out. Then later, we some how ran into each other in the water, between my buzz and wanting a drink, I accepted his drink offer. As he helped me hop from one boat to the other, he held my hand, and we never let go of one another after that. The energy between us was pretty unique, and every thing I thought I wanted my guy to look like went out the window.
You might ask how do you distinguish between lust and connection? Shouldn’t we run away from lust interactions being that they are based on arousal and physical connections?
The answer is YES! But what I’m describing has nothing to do with arousal￼ connection but with inner peace. It feels like a safe place, you feel appreciated, and special. But like everything, that one day ended and years later I found myself again with a damn list. As if my list would attract this dream guy who I insisted existed.
Ten years later I feel an electric connection again. I recall after a few hours of talking and enjoying ourselves on our first date, we had some small pecks. I was a bit buzzed so it’s a bit blurry but when we said good night, we kissed longer and THAT kiss was ELECTRIC! I will never forget. That one kiss acted as a data transfer usb plug in. My entire biology read his and I knew that I really liked him.
They say our body anatomy has the capability to read each other’s immune systems and biological features, determining if evolutionary you are a good match. Meaning you both would create stronger genes together in the baby making process. This is a theory but I do believe our bodies have a stronger intelligence than what we are led to believe.
Dating this new man, who physically doesn’t meet some of the features on my list, but does meet many emotional ones and goes beyond some other points, has really made me realize that what we “think” we want means squat. We know nothing, except what our bodies and spirit want. A person’s energy tells a lot, but we don’t have access to that unless we are ready for it with an open heart and open mind.
Of course like everything, we should question why and how we feel before making any serious decisions. That means investigate where you are and it’s influence on your feelings. Make sure what you feel is authentic. After a lot of self reflection, lite dating others, quarantining, and really giving myself time to be alone and really get to know someone, I’ve finally reached a point of wanting to date monogamously.
So today I tell you to let go of the physical and skills part on your list, really get to know your inner self, and seek out a spiritual connection. Choose level of drive in someone that meets yours, rather than fields that match yours, as well as choose a person that will help you grow and inspire you. Someone who has the same level of dedication to whatever they love, as you do to whatever you love. These are the important foundations. It’s ok to be different. The rest will then flow, adjust and mesh. Because relationships shouldn’t be the death of you, but the growth of more love and peace in your life.
Choose inner peace. That’s LOVE.