Dealbreakers aka Heartbreakers

This summer I have been trying to live a spiritual life, drinking less, partying less, dating less, and focusing on a better me. A little over two weeks ago a guy contacted me on dating site that I would normally pass on but I was feeling adventurous and decided to ask him out for a drink (went against my own advice of course, smh).

About him…

He was much taller, older and even from a different country as me; Not athletic in any way and didn’t have the blue eyes I’ve always seeked. When I met him I was impressed by his accent, deep voice and height. I immediately felt a little spark as his differences stood out from all the other men I’ve dated. His intelligence and presence were attractive. We ended having one of those crazy wild nights, where you have to review the next day because you can’t remember from all the drinks you had.

How he made me feel…

We had a great connection and began to see each other more frequent than I usually date. I felt safe, respected, desired for and adored. He was so eager to see me again, and so was I to see him. Almost a little addictive, like there wasn’t enough time to be together. When he kissed me, he could send electronic waves all down my body. He embraced me with such passion and desire. He admired my artwork and me as a person, which is so high on my list of standards that it shadowed anything negative that I could find about him. I could talk to him about anything and he didn’t judge me. I knew this type of person I wanted in my future. He had the qualities of a good domestic and sexual partner, made a great friend who listened and we shared a love for art, cooking, and nature.

At one point I expressed my concern on how things were escalating and my theory behind why relationships end quickly, I explained “Just as gravity, the faster you go up, the faster things will fall”. He suggested we should take a chance, so I did and let go of my fears. Before I knew it, a gym rat like me found herself deeply falling for a middle aged man with a dad bod, receding hairline, no workout drive, and hairy *****. Lol. As we laid in bed, I would see his wrinkles and not care, I loved seeing his face as he stared into mine; all the cultural learned standards for beauty (attraction) went out the window, all what my soul could feel and see was his. The passion between the sheets was addicting and his cooking was to die for.

The Escalated Progress…

He invited me and my dogs to spend the holiday weekend together, which I thought was a lot for how short of a time we had known each other but I was all in. If you are in 100%, I’m in 120%. That’s just how I am. I’m loyal to the core and wear my heart on my sleeve. I had felt we got closer and felt certain that this was going in a positive direction even though I wondered if my attraction for him would fade over time. A few days later he came over to my house and I was pmsing, which I bluntly shared with him. Nothing terrible, just felt irritable. At one point I believe I made him feel attacked because I was criticizing his gym attire, then when we were at the gym (for the first time together) he appeared miserable as he tried to do one of my workouts. His mind was somewhere else. When we got home he was distant even though we were cooking together and standing right next to each other. Later in bed I mentioned the distance I was feeling from him but he shut down and said he was just tired. The following morning kisses where no longer felt with the same intensity wave of energy. I became aware of the change but was hoping it was just a bad day. Later that evening I felt guilty I didn’t have wine at my house for him so I went out and bought 3 bottles of wine to have at my house. I started to think of things he needed as gift ideas for his birthday. I was finally including a special someone in my future plans. Then that evening I started noticing the absence of his texts, no good night messages, no I miss you texts, next day he didn’t acknowledge my kiss messages, and he was making zero effort to contact me.

Then Gravity Happened…

All the red flags were going off. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I knew something was up, so the next morning I sent him a vulnerable text expressing my concern. He didn’t respond until a few hours later, telling me he didn’t know why he was feeling the way he was but thought we were too different, and specially couldn’t share the same love for my dogs that I did, suggesting for us to be friends (I’m guessing watching the slobber of my one dogs was too much for him). I sat in silence, as I felt my heart hit the floor and crack in half. I immediately had a sense of loss. All the hope I had held in my heart had shattered. Here I was willing to overlook so many other things, accept him the way he was, (even though I secretly hoped he would want to be a better version of himself) but what I stood for him was much less than the deal breaker he was struggling with.

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind”

William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Lessons Learned…

I have always thought when it came to love, love was blind. We accept people’s faults in exchange for their presence in our lives. We value them as wholes more than our own deal breakers. When I met my ex husband I literally ran away. I hid and asked my friend to keep an eye out so I could come back out of the boat. He looked nothing like my type. He was a huge bodybuilder and had a voice so deep that it sounded fake but after one drunk day, I let my guard down and took his hand as he extended out his and we hopped thru the water into a boat. The connection was so real and special that we never parted ways after that. It was all chemistry. Biological evolutionary influences took control over of my logic and I opened my heart. So I knew what I feeling for this new guy was real and I was willing to take a chance.

I think with the ever growing online dating sites, we have grown to be addicted to searching/ swiping/ having options and quitting very quickly on the relationships we begin. People automatically think there is someone better out there, that ONE person is waiting for them. The reality is, there’s THOUSANDS of people who are the ONE. Being the one doesn’t mean they exist exactly the way you want them to be. Being the ONE means, both people are READY to open their hearts and let you in theirs and stay thru the good and bad. You grow into the ONE.

Being the ONE, takes time. Time is like currency. The more time you invest, the more value you create.

Dating Tips Summary:

  • Go with your gut.
  • Go slow, time and space puts things in perspective and can created a less heartbreaking situation, than one led by sexual energy and comfort.
  • Don’t assume a person’s style of dating, equates to how special you are to them because that’s your own definition of emotional attachment
  • Don’t get wasted on your first date (I’m the worse at following my own advice but just being honest)
  • Remember looks fade but moral values and similar thinking create deeper connections and a good solid foundation
  • You aren’t special, because everyone is special. What you have the other person doesn’t and vice versa. No one is like you, nor are you like anyone else. Stop worrying of the competition pool.
  • Finding the one, doesn’t exist; Being the ONE, takes time.
  • Don’t see someone new so frequently at first. Invest your time in making a friendship first.
  • If you keep looking for other options, you will never find happiness. Focus on one first before opening up what you have.
  • Don’t compare yourself with your special person. Embrace the Ying/Yang and find balance.
  • Be with the person who inspires you to be a better one, don’t feel insecure.
  • Emotional compatibility is very important, looks fade over time.

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