I’m sorry I’ve been away but honestly haven’t been dating much. I took a Bumble break and have been traveling. I had three-four dates since last time I wrote but I’ll start with last night’s date which was very strange from the setting to the conversation.
He was 6 ft. tall, masculine jawline, green eyes, nice beard, ambitious, family oriented, just the perfect amount of body hair, a few powerful tattoos, perfectly muscular built (not over the top), nice and hard working. He was much younger than me by 8 years, but very intellectual and held flowing communication prior to meeting. He believed in energy which is very important to me (rather than believing in a religious faith; which made me very intrigued to meet him). I even went against my own rules and skipped the gym and my Sunday meal prepping time for this date. Shame on me.
I chose to meet at Kung Fu Bubble Tea store which was half way between us. They had amazing reviews and I couldn’t wait to try their lactose-free tea. I figured it would be a good first date spot where we could avoid getting drunk and have a good chat. I arrived on time, and he arrived like a boiling pot a few minutes late. He was covered in sweat to the point it was dripping from his forehead and cheeks. He had ran from one side of the lot, to the other side because he didn’t want me to think he stood me up (Builder personality type trait). I told him I thought it was very sweet of him but he shouldn’t had stressed so much.
He had never had a bubble tea before so obviously this would be a new experience for the books (which I think is a great thing for a first date). I kept looking at his lips, wondering if he was a good kisser because he had nice lips. We then took a walk and landed on some secluded benches near a bar which was blasting old school music, which literally felt as if we had our own private concert. He said “SIT” and pointed down to the bench, where I stood in shock and replied “Am I a dog?”, and then he said “No, but what else am I supposed to say? Could you take a seat?”. My insides were rolling my eyes and I knew I didn’t like him. Then his mannerisms reminded me of a young employee I have which was not a good thing.
The moment when I checked out mentally…
Before I knew it, our casual conversation had escalated into a weird interview, where he asked me some straight up questions about the future. In a moment of silence he said “What do I have to do be successful with you”, I was like “Excuse me, what do you mean successful?” with a WTF face on. He answered by “You know, have a successful relationship with you?”, so I responded by “To be honest I’m not really into giving instructions, I think there’s a better way of asking that, like what are your turns off?”. He responded quickly with “I don’t want to focus on the negative things, I just want to know what you view as positive”, I stayed quiet for a bit thinking and then answered “I appreciate genuine people”. I explained my thoughts on trust and honesty, and how I didn’t believe in Monogamy but did believe in honesty.
By this time we had exchanged a few family background facts and career ambitions. The wonder I had about kissing him disappeared after basically being asked me instructions on how to become my boyfriend. I struggled searching for things to ask or share. I haven’t ever felt that way before. Maybe it was because my intuition was telling me he wasn’t for me. Normally dating is easy in conversation but it had turned into an interview style date that I just wanted to go home and be with my dogs.
More red flags started popping…
He was expressing a lot of interest in me but was making me feel like I was on stage and trying out for the unpaid wife role in his life. Somehow I agreed to go with him to the nearby bar with music, I think It was because I was really after the good music more than anything. We had to walk back to my car to get my ID and on the way there, he disclosed he smoked weed every day as pain management and drank bourbon to help control his pain from motorcycle injuries he had. I explained my past experiences with my ex and how I wasn’t a lover of the smell. That was the beginning to an hour of him psychoanalyzing me thru another interview. It was so apparent he was looking for a wife and someone to start a life with but I’m over here just trying to worry about today.
I think you can lose track on the importance of the now by worrying so much about the future, by preparing for a future that might change, or even for a mindset that might change in a few years. He was very nice and respectful but had managed to suck out all the potential fun we could of had by interviewing me and psychoanalyzing me.
What a date should be…
First dates should be fun, and the future talk should be kept at bare minimum. One, there’s no guarantee you want to be with that person in the future, so why bring them into it. Remember you shouldn’t be looking for this ideal person that exist in your head. Like author and therapist Esther Perel says “You don’t find the one, you choose the one”. You choose thru the good and bad of their qualities. The perfect mate doesn’t exist, and even the ones close to the made up person in your head will fail you at your high expectation. Life is ever evolving, transforming, and moving, nothing is a guarantee. Love is an experience, not a tangible asset. Love is made thru memories, presence, and respect. People aren’t properties, hence why there are so many divorces. So remember when you go on your first date, this person across you is not the one, you have to create the one together in sync. So have fun and invest in the now. I want to know who you are today, right now, not who you will be in five- ten years from now.
At the end of the date, I started to self analyze how I was feeling, why I was feeling the way I was, and questioning who I was today. The girl in her 20’s would of not seen the red flags (addiction, controlling, and a lifetime with someone you love who will always be in pain). I felt secure in myself and knew my intuition had picked up things that weren’t said before and not said until later, my intuition didn’t fail me. Glad I wasn’t tipsy or drunk where chemistry could of stuck its nose in and made me think this guy was for me just based on physical attributes.
Still learning but I do know…
Making smart decisions is a process, and a lot is based on your intuition. Don’t get drunk on the first date to take off the edge, stay sober, you will be thankful later!