One evening I was home getting ready to go to bed when this guy I had hooked up with a few months ago hit me up wanting to see me. It was about 9pm. He lived an hour and a half away. I said, “It’s too late and you live so far”. He insisted in coming over stating he really wanted to see me. The naive nineteen years old (14 years ago) me thought wow he must really like me that he wants to see me so bad and drive so long to see me. I felt special and bad for denying him to come over so I said “Fine, come over but all we are doing is sleeping because I have to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow”. He said, “That’s fine, I just want to see you”.
At the time I was renting a room from a co-worker. I felt uncomfortable bringing any guy over especially so late. I really didn’t want to have sex. I was tired, sleepy, and scared of waking up my roommate. I had to sneak this guy into my bedroom thru the sliding glass door of my bedroom. We laid in bed, cuddled and whispered as we talked. I think we might had made out. As I began to fall asleep I could feel his hands all over me. He wouldn’t stop touching me. I became so annoyed. All I wanted was to sleep. I told him “I really want to go to bed, it’s very late”. He said, “Ok, ok”. Then a few minutes later he would start again. He laid so close to me that I could feel how hard he was. At this moment. I had a choice, one, get up and ask him to leave, or just give in so he would stop harassing me. I had no sexual desire for him, but I went ahead like an idiot and gave in just so I could be left alone to sleep. I never spoke to him again.
Then a few months later, I went out to a bar and bumped into a co-worker who looked like Fabio. He was tall, handsome, about 10–15 years older than me, and a ladies’ man. He was more like a hot beach bum though. A waiter, who hung around the beach all the time. I was attracted to him but didn’t want to sleep with him because I perceived him like a slutty guy. We are at the bar and he’s buying me drinks I think. I tell him no more because I have to drive home. He says “Oh, don’t worry you can stay at my house. I live just down the street. Don’t worry I have a sofa that I can sleep on”. I say “ Awesome. Yes, I would like that. I don’t want to drive home, it’s a far drive.” So we go, as he shows me his studio apartment that was a block from the beach, he tells me to lay down on his bed. I don’t recall if we kissed or not. All I know is that I told him I was not having sex with him but he insisted, and before I knew it he was looking for a condom. I let him insert into me wishing I hadn’t accepted his “kind” gesture. When he was done, I rushed into the bathroom to wash up. I recall feeling gross and stupid for allowing that to happen. I recall feeling like I had no choice when in fact I did. I could have screamed “STOP”, I could have turned over once he laid behind me, I could have pushed him away but I didn’t. I don’t think I feared for my life nor that I was being raped. Consent back in the early 2000s looked very different than how it does now.
I look back wishing I knew better back then. Wishing I had known that I had a voice and my feelings were valid. From all the stories I hear there’s one thing in common, WOMEN ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO SAY NO. Now, what does that mean? Well, it means we give too much shit what others think, what he thinks, how he feels, how he has a need and somehow we are responsible to help him release this urgency. In the last fourteen years, I have learned to say NO but it took a few tries. I learned that if you invite a guy over to sleep over and tell him you only want to sleep 9/10 he’s going to try to change your mind. Therefore…
- ) DON’T HAVE A GUY SLEEP IN YOUR BED UNLESS YOU ARE PLANNING ON SLEEPING WITH HIM.
- ) DON’T EXPECT SPOONING IS JUST SPOONING. We are animals, BOTH sexual beings. Your mind might be saying “This is a bad idea, I shouldn’t sleep with him” but your pheromones are totally saying something else. Do you wonder why guys don’t listen to your hints that you aren’t interested? Your tone of voice, your scent, your body temperature, your lips, and your cheeks all change. Biologically we are made to want to have sex, to reproduce, to unite and mix genes. So QUIT putting yourself in a situation where you know you don’t want to be in. Your body will signal it wants to mate if you feel turned on just a tiny bit. So when you guys are smashing faces and you feel a tad tingly, know that your body is saying YES. So be aware of that and take action if you know you don’t want to have sex by STOPPING making out and COMMUNICATING BLUNTLY!
- ) IF HE’S NOT LISTENING TO YOUR REASONS WHY YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX, OR YOUR PLAIN NO, CHANGE IT UP AND SAY “NO MOTHERFUCKER!” and walk out. There is no reason why you need to be nice, polite or care what he might think of you. Stand your ground PROUD and make sure you are BLUNT, CLEAR, where there is no chance of misleading anyone.
- ) DON’T SUCK HIS DICK AND THEN SAY LATER THAT YOU DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX, OR THAT YOU FELT OBLIGATED. Stop acting like men can read minds. If they see you giving them foreplay and you are also receiving there is NO WAY in hell he’s going to think you are not interested in having sex.
****BE HONEST, SPEAK UP, AND SAY NO LIKE YOU MEAN IT!****
If you care about this person and are scared of confrontation say the following:
- ) Say “I’m sorry but I’m not ready for that step”; explain what you are ready for and want.
- ) Say “Sorry but I don’t have sex without a condom, I’m not on birth control”.
- ) Say “Sorry but I have a yeast infection right now”
- ) Say “Sorry I’m on my period, and it’s bad right now”
- ) Say “ I’m in the part of my cycle where I have zero sex drive right now, maybe next week we can attempt again”
- ) Say “ I don’t feel well can we reschedule”